


Unia

by Goldscythe (Darial_Kuznetsova)



Series: Nuclear Winters [5]
Category: Battle Beast (Band), Finnish Music RPF, Nightwish, Sonata Arctica, Stratovarius
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, F/M, Gen, M/M, Nuclear Winter, Post-Apocalypse, Shamanism, Sámi-culture, Sámi-shamanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-10-21 10:17:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 28,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10683267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darial_Kuznetsova/pseuds/Goldscythe
Summary: Unia - Dreams are snippets of varying lengths, deepening some situations not mention in the main series. Interactions between two characters, unspoken secrets, moments of horror or reprieve...





	1. Hope of a captive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChristianHowe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristianHowe/gifts).



> Pure fiction! I'm not associated with any of the bands nor Zelian Games!

”Please… take anyone else, not him… PLEASE!” Anette pleaded, the desperation of a woman torn from her children surfacing. Both she and Nitte had been separated from their children and they had no idea where they even alive anymore. They turned their motherly instincts on Rolf, who had faced all kinds of torture already and he was once again fetched from the cell.

“Shut up!” the soldier kicked her in the chest, sending the small woman tumbling down, Marco barely catching her in time.

Rolf had been vomiting since they had tossed him back the last time, sporting a nasty cut and bruise on his forehead, a bad concussion from a blow to the head. Tuomas had barely managed to calm the young man’s head from swimming, to stop him getting dehydrated. Without a drum or herbs, they were completely helpless. They didn’t receive any medical help from outside, not from the soldiers. Some of the men did get harsh treatment when questioned, but they singled out Rolf.

And made them listen him scream. He called out for his parents amidst the cries and shrieks. Few times, when the torture was at its worst and he was on the brink of going unconscious, Rolf screamed out a name none of them could quite make out.

They had lost count of how many times they had listened to them torture and how many times he had been roughly tossed on the hard floor, leaving a trail of blood from the door to his landing spot. This one particular time, after hours of torture, soldiers simply dropping him on the concrete.

“Rolf!”

Nothing. He was unconscious, which was a relief. Rolf seemed to gain consciousness for longer periods the next day and seemed to be in better condition before they returned.

“No! NO!” Anette screamed, but shrank back along the others, when the gun was raised towards them.

Rolf struggled, despite his injuries, surprising the soldiers and the others, but harsh hit on his head, reopening the wound on his head dropped him.

It lasted for hours. Another round of screams and pleas, they once again tortured the boy on purpose near their cell.

“Should we tell them what they want?” Nitte whispered, but Tuomas shook his head. “No.”

“But he is suffering because-“

“He told us not to after the first time… He doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t want them to get what they want…”

“Tuomas…”

“They would kill or torture us anyway… They don’t care anymore. They want me to break. It’s killing me inside, to know I caused this pain for him… but… the North has lost at least two of -them-,” Tuomas refrained from saying the words Grand Master, “and any more will cause imbalance too great. They want something from the shamans… And somebody gave us away… I’m not sacrificing him… Please… Believe me…”

“Tuomas… we trust you… You saved us all in a way. Rolf… he’s brave. And strong…”

“…he’s not screaming anymore…” Tarja pointed out suddenly. If they held any of this against Tuomas, it wasn’t spoken again. Tears were held back and nobody slept a wink that night, letting Tuomas comfort them by humming an ancient song.

Daybreak was slowly approaching, yet Rolf hadn’t been returned.

“…he died… He must have died…” Anette gave up, huddling to a corner.

They heard footsteps, but as they always got food and water in the morning, they didn’t react to it first. Not until a body was tossed in before others brought them food.

Tarja and Anette were by Rolf as soon as the door locked, begging him to be alive. He was, barely, but he was nearly unrecognizable. His face was battered and bruised, hands and arms lacerated, knees blue and swollen, at odd angles and his back was even worse. He was barely breathing.

“Oh why… Rolf? Please, can you hear me?” Anette was gently patting his side and suddenly his body spasmed. He was alive. Barely.

“They went all out on him… Come on, let’s make him as comfortable as we can…” Nitte came to help at lifting the youngster up and to the blankets they piled as a makeshift cot. At least he would be relatively warm and soft if he could feel anymore. Even Marco had tears in his eyes. Tuomas grabbed his blanket and covered Rolf with it. This wasn’t looking good.

“Please… help us…” he whispered, directing the words to a spirit that had dared to venture the place, or was one of the poor souls who lost their lives there. The air vibrated a bit before the spirit left like a wind.

Tuomas had tried broadcasting for help twice more, until…

“I hear you… we hear you… I will send help…”

The voice Tuomas heard in his head wasn’t of anyone he knew. He felt the distant influence of Jyrki within the message, he should have known Linnankivi wouldn’t help, but at least he spread out the broadcast. He focused briefly on the contact and was startled to see sky blue eyes he had seen once before. The Liimatainen boy… and someone else. A dormant shaman like Rolf, yet open… Had the boy managed to teach him to inquire from spirits? He saw the deep brown eyes suddenly and knew he had gotten through to the dormant shaman properly.

He didn’t sense other Grand Masters. They were gone. Maybe hiding, but this silence… And the spirits he tried to question, were sad. He was starting to fear that both Koskinen and Liimatainen couples were dead.

“Tuomas?” Anette asked, holding Rolf’s head in her lap, shaking him every time his breathing paused. “He’s isn’t faring so well… We are losing him at this rate… Did you see anything?”

“Yes. Hope. He just needs to hold on until maybe the end of the week, then we will all breathe free air again… He will make it. He has to…” Tuomas knelt next to the boy, brushing through his short, filthy, blood-crusted hair, pulling the slowly forming scar accidentally, making the boy whimper, his lashes fluttering, the familiar trickle of blood from his nose staining his face again.

“Hang in there, Rolf…”

“…kill…me…” the boy whispered and their hearts clenched. How many times most of them, except Nitte and Anette, had thought that they should just… wring the boy’s neck, to rid him of the agony he was in.

“Tuomas…” Tarja whispered.

“No, Rolf. You need to live. There is somebody out there, waiting for you. You can’t give up!”

“…lias…”

“Yes, Elias is waiting for you. He wants to see you. Hang in there… you will survive. Trust me on this… I’m sorry I gave you away… It’s my fault… Forgive me, Rolf…” Tuomas pleaded, but Rolf had stilled once more

“He stopped breathing again…” Anette tried to bite back her tears. Tuomas laid his hand on the boy’s bruised chest, feeling the irregular thump of his heart.

“Forgive me…” he punched the youngster’s chest, making him cough out and whimper. “Keep breathing… Please… Listen to Anette’s breathing… Do as she does. Breathe in and out…”

They kept close that night, giving their blankets to the boy, talking to him, trying to get him to drink at least few sips every time he came to.

“Please, don’t die on us…”

Two more days Rolf was clinging life and everyone a nervous wreck when Tuomas suddenly got up.

“They are here.”

“Who?”

“Our saviors… The inexperienced shaman is not with them, but… a dormant shaman is. They found us.”

“Rolf? Did you hear that?” Anette asked, but got no response. “Rolf? His heart is giving out, his pulse is really slow…”

“I hope they hurry…” Tuomas prayed that Rolf’s anchor was among them.

All of a sudden alarms went off, loud and grating to their ears.

"Next time when I'm about to say something like that, hit me!" they heard yelling at the hallway, followed by sounds of running and clattering against the metal door, prompting Anette.

"Please, somebody help! He's dying!"


	2. Broken body, fractured mind

There was nothing but pain. He had screamed until he couldn’t scream anymore. He had cried until his head hurt and he couldn’t get any more tears out. He didn’t remember how long time had passed between the bouts of pain, was it days or just hours. His back was hurting, his side hurt with every breath he tried to take, his head throbbed, familiar from years before. His knees were like on fire, his throat hurt, his eyes hurt, he didn’t see, he didn’t have the strength to open his eyes anymore. He had no energy to move, he was done.

He didn’t know what they wanted. He had no idea what caves they talked about. What about shamans they wanted to know? He was confused. He had said nothing. He knew Tuomas didn’t want him to tell.

Tuomas… Why had he apologized? What was going on? Where was he? Why this all happened?

He remembered a voice. Begging for help. Tuomas. It was Tuomas’ calm voice he heard. Who was he begging from? Why? Why he heard it in his head and not like the other sounds, from another side of the pillow?

“I hear you… we hear you… I will send help…”

The voice he heard sounded young, only a little bit older than him… Maybe. He sensed pain. Whoever had replied… he was in pain. He saw pain-filled blue eyes, the kind of blue he had never seen before. He knew whoever it was, he saw him. He saw another pair of eyes, concerned dark eyes before he felt simply exhausted and his mind muddled up.

Somebody touched his face and neck, he tried to flinch but that brought another wave of fresh pain through him and he tried to moan, but his voice had given out. He just hoped he would die. That whoever touched him would just… wrap their hands around his throat and squeezed. Squeezed until he’d die…

He didn’t know if he said it out loud, all the voice he heard were muffled like somebody was pressing a pillow over his ears. He remembered a face. A gentle smile. Gentle touch. Hot breath ghosting over his neck.

Elias… He… he was glad he had known him, at least for a while… He found himself so tired... He was sorry… so sorry… He had to sleep… rest… die…

A sharp pain in his chest made him gasp, the pressure in his head lessening. Had he stopped breathing? Why did they want to keep him alive? Who were they?

Anette? Who is Anette? Then he remembered. The motherly touch. She wasn’t his mother… but a mother… He missed his mother. And father…

Voices. Voices everywhere. Talking. Touches. Touching him. He felt safe. Warm. Loved. Safe. Cared. Tired. So… tired…

Loud blaring of a horn tore him out of his empty blackness. What was that? Who was touching him? Who was screaming? Cold and rough fingers felt along his neck, stayed put for a while, was somebody trying to… No. Somebody lifted him, his back flared up in pain and he tried to tell them to stop. To leave him be. His knees protested and he wanted to scream when they bent them.

Then… fresh, cold air. He barely remembered how it felt. The jostling stopped, he was laid down. The burning pain in his back brought a fresh wave of agony until cold seeped through and the numbness… it spread. Relief. So much… relief. He could die…

Somebody was rubbing something wet and cold on his face, talking to him. He didn’t know this voice. He was scared now. It wasn’t a friend.

“Please. Don’t move. I’m a medic. I can help. I’ll make you feel better. Please, don’t move. You need to stay still…”

No… Can’t go on… Numbness is good… Can sleep now…

“Stay awake. Come on, talk to me. What’s your name? My name is Mikko…”

Why is he still talking? Why can’t he leave him alone? Leave him to die in peace.

He didn’t hear from the man again, everything went silent. Was he really, finally dying?

The boom, the ground shook, screams in his head, something landing nearby, a warm body shielding him, almost suffocating him.

“I’ve got you…”

He didn’t hear that voice again. His ears rang. He heard voices. Other voices. Cries and moans. Somebody pulled the weight off of him.

“They are both still alive…”

He knew that voice. Was it Marco? He barely heard it, but he knew it…

“What are we going to do now?”

That voice… it was familiar. Painfully familiar. Warmth touched his forehead. His heart suddenly gave a stronger pulse, his head felt clearer. He knew that touch.

The touch was gone before he could say anything. He heard a whining sound. Was it him? Or something else? What was it?

“Poor kid…” a new voice. Warmth came with it. The touch that wiped his face was hesitant but familiar. The one who felt his neck. That must be it. The hand felt odd. His mind was suddenly filled with deep sorrow when the person touched him again.

“Broken ribs… He barely dares to breathe…”

“They tortured him for days… He held on bravely… but nearly died in our hands few times… Some were ready to… give him peace…”

Tuomas? They had wanted to… Why hadn’t they?

“He will be a shaman once he recovers. We have lost so many. Two Grand Masters and their anchors are gone… their children are missing…”

“I know about that. I know where Jani is.”

“…Liimatainen? So he was the one who I reached. I know one hermit of a Grand Master, he is still safe and sound but doesn’t help anyone, and I would have recognized him…”

“He’s dying… He was shot in the leg and he had blood poisoning… He was very weak when we parted ways…”

“Shame… His spirit was powerful.”

“It was… despite his health…”

Jani? The voice he had heard in his head? He felt Tuomas’ presence fade and sounds of footsteps going away. He wanted to reach out, but his hand was taken to a warm hold.

“Hang in there, kid… We’ll get you pain relief soon. Warm and comfortable. We just need to… transport you somehow.”

He tried to talk, but his words came out a jumbled mess, he had no idea did he even say anything.

“I won’t let go. Gosh, you look like my little brother… He never wanted to let go mom or dad’s hand. He was the baby of the family… I had three little brothers…”

His voice drifted in and out, but he never let go of his hand. It gave him some odd comfort. He could tell he needed that. The sorrow was still easily felt, it was radiating off the man.

_“…You carry me away… tomorrow… we’re unbreakable… I hold my breath and wait… this moment… is unbreakable… I can feel it deep within my heart and my soul… you make me whole… I want to live this second forever… always together… forevermore… We are stronger than ever… always together… forevermore… I hold my breath and wait till the end… until…”_

Was he singing? Odd thing to sing. Unbreakable? Can feel it deep within… He felt it. He felt a steady presence deep inside. His heart skipped a beat and he choked back a sob.

“Hey… easy… We have to move you now… We try not to hurt you…” the voice was broken.

The hand in his was taken out and he felt a tug. The cold numbing him vanished and he was briefly lifted on something before he was lifted with that again. He felt darkness force itself on him…

Three things… It was loud. Bumpy. Somebody was talking to him. Anette? Both of his hands were held again, the familiar hand of the man from earlier and… He knew that person… Elias…

“Rolf?”

Elias…

“Your name is Elias, right?”

“Yeah… and years ago… I knew a boy… whose name was Rolf… That is a rare name for a Finn…”

It was him! It was Elias!

“He was calling for you while he was… tortured…”

Torture… His wounds ached at the mention. He wanted to cry, but his eyes were dry. And still in pain. Why were his eyes hurting? He fought to open them. Finally, a sliver of light, that felt like blades, the pain was searing and it made even his head hurt.

He heard somebody talking, but he couldn’t hear that. The noises were overwhelming.

“Yes… I thought he had died…”

All he could muster was a quiet whimper.

“I’m here… You’re going to be fine…”

Elias had found him! He tried to squeeze his hand in response, but instead, darkness claimed him.


	3. Three wives' tale

Henrik and Elias’ wives. Maria and Reetta had been housed together as soon as Reetta had trudged through the gates with the children. When Maria had heard where she had come from, she had insisted to have her living there with her, to share what had happened since she left and so that Daniela and Damien had playmates, despite them being a tad bit older than Salla and still the unnamed baby boy. They just simply hadn’t figured out a name for him, but all of a sudden, Toivo seemed like a good one.

They had gotten along rather well, Reetta being more open and talkative, while Maria was more silent, the avid listener, reminding her of Lotta and her ever-stoic face. They formed a dynamic duo running the kitchen where most of the inhabitants of the western side of the Rovaniemi got their food from.

When they had heard that a new woman, accompanied by seemingly tame wolves had turned up, with two children, Reetta had been the first one to bolt outside. Her gut had been right and it was indeed Pirre.

The three women were soon in a tight embrace, old friends, newer friends and new friends. They all had cried, when they had gotten to sit around the fireplace with the children to rest, drink, eat and talk. Lotta and Outi had faced horrid deaths and especially Maria was hit hard, she had known them the longest. Reetta was shocked, as was Pirre, still.

Pirre, Ella, and Eetu were all resting when they heard snowmobiles and the gates were opened with a loud creak. Reetta and Maria were up in a flash, having not yet fallen asleep. The only window in the cottage wasn’t giving them much, but the newcomers were greeted well, so they dared to pull on their parkas and boots and head back outside.

“Please… He has blood poisoning…” they heard the woman claim, as she held up a man, who was seemingly unconscious.

“Oh gosh…” Maria muttered, “he looks beyond help…”

Pirre had heard them and crept up behind them, scaring them nearly out of their wits, when she suddenly took a sharp breath, running between them despite her obviously tired state.

“Jani!”

The two other wives glanced at each other, shrugging, but staying put nonetheless.

“You knew him?” the woman’s voice was rather sharp, but they couldn’t blame her, it was only healthy to have a bit of doubt tossed into the mix.

“I was in the Wolf Range when my friends brought him in. Our medic did what he could for him. He sent some of… what he called -his- wolves with me here, so I’d be safe during the journey,” Pirre explained and that clicked many puzzle pieces to place.

“Ah, that’s why I saw only half of the pack… Please… is there anywhere I could take him? He… he won’t last long, but I want him at least comfortable?”

One of the older residents came to her and hoisted the man to his arms.

“We can take him to the sick ward. Treat him there, we have some herbs and such. You a healer?”

“I’m Jenny… and sort of. He taught me some basics he knew and his mother taught me this and that too… I’ve known him for long… He’s a shaman…”

“Damn. I knew one, he’s probably dead. They captured most of my settlement. I managed to hide the children and have Sámi pick them up and take further North, but I didn’t know there’d be more shamans out there. They are targeting them in particular.”

“I know. They slaughtered his parents. There are five shaman Grand Masters, that’s what I know… His mother was one of them…”

“And my friend was one as well…”

“Shit.Tolkki, I hold you responsible for this!” Jenny snapped when the big framed leader of Strato ventured near. 

Pirre touched Jani’s forehead and felt along his neck.

“He’s burning up so bad… I hope… he’s not in pain…”

“…that’s what I hope too…” Jenny mumbled, going after the man carrying Jani.

Reetta and Maria looked at Pirre when she returned.

“You knew him?”

“Yeah. We thought he would die on us, but he survived. Ella really liked him, was always talking to him and asking him things… Gosh, I wished he’d recover, he took a clean shot through his leg, but… I’m guessing it got infected… He looked so horrible…”

“He was young, I’m guessing.”

“Almost the same age as me and my husband. We talked when he was feeling better… Let’s go inside… there’s nothing we can do…”

“Well, I’m going to go get them food… You go ahead and rest, Reetta, you too, you’ve been up and about since the crack of dawn. You have a small baby too. Go.”


	4. Too soon and not soon enough

It was the most horrid thing she had ever done. Why couldn’t he have rested? Why he had to keep going at that pace?

Jani had not reacted to the gruesome treatment done to his wound, none of it and that was horrid. The foul-smelling pus and dying flesh were overwhelming her and she had to stop few times to puke. She prided herself being a strong woman, who can handle anything but doing this to the man she once loved.

She carefully put fresh herbs and dressing to the wound, even though she knew it was for nothing, that he’d probably die during the night or in the morning, she wanted to at least try. His breathing was shallow, his heartbeat fluctuating…

She sat next to him, wiping his sweaty face with a damp, cool cloth. She had tried to get him to drink, but he wasn’t cooperating the least bit. There was much nothing to be done.

“I know you’re sorry… You said that once before… And I forgive you. I understand that your love… your heart and soul belonged to Timo from the first moment you saw him. Sure, it hurt me, but I’m a grown-ass woman like Tolkki put it, I can handle it. I can… I can handle anything… but… I don’t know… how hard it will be to… actually, say… that I still love you… and that I will miss you… And I will keep on helping people… I know I’m spirit sensitive and that should help me in becoming a healer. At least a medic of sorts… I’m sorry that I can’t help you….” She tried to hold back tears, wiping his face and neck, before leaning to press a kiss on his forehead. She wasn’t stupid, his lips were forever reserved to Timo.

“I hope Timo can cope with this. I know you cut off the connection. I’m rather glad. I know of his weakness, I heard you once. He loves you so much… So much it’s almost painful to think you’ll be apart.”

She hoped Timo and Emppu would make it back before Jani would perish, but it was a wish made in vain.

Jenny had no idea Jani did hear her.

 

He wasn’t in pain. He just lay there, in the grey landscape, surrounded by shards of Seita. He had found the Seita, the anchor point that bound him to Timo. He clung to the shards, seeing glimpses of their relationship, memorable moments and everything he didn’t want to forget.  He had expected a long, agonizing death, that would have been horrible to subject Timo to, dying of heart failure. He knew Timo had a weak heart and despite his physical condition being now, at 43, at its best probably, he could have a heart attack and die from Jani simply not being careful of his feelings.

He had seen it from his face. When he had broken their Seita, shattered their deep link, nurtured and strengthened for years, it had been a hard blow. His heart had all but cried upon the lack of connection and the splitting pain in his skull upon the moment of impact… How Timo had been still standing, was beyond him.

Once they had met again, he had wanted to cry, when while the love was still there, strong as ever, the deeper connection, the calm brought upon hearing and feeling their hearts beating in unison, was gone. He had felt empty and hollow…

He sat up when he heard Jenny speak to him. He wanted to reply, but he didn’t want to face the pain. Not anymore. He knew he was in Limbo, the middle world, and he should head to the Spirit World soon, he couldn’t. He felt his parents calling and while he hadn’t been the best of sons and had become afraid of them, they were still his parents…

Picking up a shard, he saw bits and pieces, broken pictures and sounds… saw Timo’s burnt hand, saw his mother gently curl his injured hand to a fist, he saw Timo helping him dress after long illness…

The Sudenmieli was gone from his hand. He was no longer the wolf shaman. He had never properly been, not a wolf shaman nor a shaman in general. Just an apprentice. A failed one. He had never told anyone about the countless vision he had been seeing since he was a child.

A man with his left hand on fire. That had ended up being how Timo had gotten hurt and to his mother’s care. He had met Timo by then merely weeks earlier on a foraging for willow turning to a drop-in.

He had seen a beautiful woman, looking hurt and slapping him. Jenny and how he had rather bluntly turned her down. She had been in love with him for ages and while they had a relationship briefly and her being spirit sensitive, a valuable trait in North, the other connection was missing. He didn’t love her.

Burning branch… the reason why he had ended up back at his mother’s care, with another case of a chest cold. He had fled the sudden memory of fire burning his skin as a child and despite the wolves keeping him relatively warm and safe in the storm, it hadn’t been enough. He was no wolf and had no fur…

A small man standing up in front of the fire, fire in his dark eyes, his aura glowing brightly. Tony. A dormant shaman. At least that is how he perceived it. And the next possible bearer of Sudenmieli. Wolf Range was indication enough. He had found out wolves had mauled his wife, at least that was what Elias had told him via a slip of paper that had been swiftly burned afterward. When he’d die, wolves would start crowding on Tony, maybe, but it was a possibility.

Someone with red eyes and menacing aura. That… he hadn’t encountered, but he was in a way afraid of it. Red hue in Limbo was a mark of a strong shaman, that’s what he remembered from the past.

A man with long black hair and face of a person haunted by his past… Mikko… with whom he had accidentally created a secondary anchor bond, but he had felt that straining already without the lack of contact.

He had seen Timo crying over his body, holding him, cradling him…

Jani jolted, the connection between him and Mikko snapped. Something had happened to the medic. He frantically tried to reach out, but nothing. He then felt the strong pull and the world turned to green and lush, trees, flowers and birds everywhere, blue sky above him.

“Shit… What happened?” he asked.

“You died, son…”

He would have fallen on his ass if he wasn’t already. He knew that voice. He scurried up and around, only to come face to face with his father. He was just like he remembered. Maybe a little bit older, but…

“Father?”

“You anchored again and your anchor, bless his selfless soul, threw himself between a future shaman Grand Master and a piece of ice. He’s alive, but his mental capacity will be gone.”

Jani frowned.

“He will never speak again or will he be able to heal. It is a shame, but this way… the memories pressing him down are now gone.”

“You mean he’s just gonna lie in bed until he dies?” This wasn’t how he wanted Mikko to end up.

“If you pull him here every now and then, to the Spirit World, maybe he can heal, you can give him dreams that make up the lost life… It is not fair, I know, but it’s how his fate is supposed to play out.”

“This is just… fucked up…”

“Mind your tongue here, son… This is the Spirit World, after all. We taught you better than this…” Toivo reprimanded him and Jani shrunk back.

“They are there…. and I’m here… It’s hardly fair either… but…”

“You have a good heart. You didn’t want them to die yet and that is good… Selfish shaman, who is dying slowly, would have just pulled them to their deaths, they had no say over it.”

“No… Mikko didn’t even know… and I broke it with Timo because… I needed him to warn Strato... It was… the most painful thing I’ve ever done…”

“I know…” Toivo came closer and opened his arms. Jani hesitated, actually taking a step back. “You need time to heal, this is the realm of healing… Start here, now…”

“I… Is my sister alive?” he asked instead, Toivo lowering his arms, sighing.

“Yes. She is already taking her place as the Grand Master your mother was. The Koskinen are gone, but their son is anchoring her, so she’s on a good foundation. You remember her, then?”

“Yeah… I remember… We were really small… I knew she must have been my sister, she looked a lot like me…”

“You were ever-curious and smart for you rage. Your thirst for knowledge knew no bounds… but you changed. We are sorry… your mother and I… We didn’t want you to die, but in the process, we caused you terrible pain…”

“I was afraid of fire for years… Emppu managed to ease that, so did Timo…”

“We were so proud when you did your first fire control not too long ago. I know it was hard for you, if not impossible, to accept your affinity to it… Even at birth, you were so different. The fire was so bright when I got you in my arms and you drew your first breath… And when Terhi was born… the water in the kettle stopped boiling and turned cool…”

“She was the one you would have preferred to keep, wasn’t she?”

“We would have kept you both, but your mother was constantly plagued by visions of both of you dying if you were together, that we had to choose… Tähti luckily made that choice for us. She already had a son, so she took her… We never stopped loving her though…” Toivo grew silent, trying to approach Jani again, but he backed up again, looking away.

“Your mother was almost beside herself when you got your injury… Your kuksa cracked… By now, it must be in two halves. I made that for you before you were born. Your sister has her own as well… She missed you and tried her best to keep an eye on you, but we had to worry about other things…”

“…where is she..”

“She’ll be here in a bit… she’s consoling Jenny… She needs to be strong…”

“Nothing can knock her down…”

“Are you sure?” Toivo asked, making Jani look up. What did he know that he didn’t?

“Jani…”

There it was. The voice he hadn’t heard in years.

“I didn’t want you to die like that… I thought you’d die when you’re old and grey, holding each other’s hand, going to sleep one night and just… not wake up in the morning…” Jani said, starting to tremble. This was really it. He had died. He had joined his parents he had neglected for years, who had never stopped loving, caring or missing him. “…you didn’t deserve it…”

“We knew what was coming and we faced it with heads held high… Every one of us did…” Mielikki said gently, coming closer, gentle hands on Jani’s arms.

“I didn’t…”

“You did what you had to… We knew one of you would have short life… I just hoped I wouldn’t be there to witness it… to feel you being torn from my heart…”

Jani turned around to look at his mother. They had the same eyes… He finally gave in and threw himself into her arms, crying out his anguish over things that he may or may not have been able to avoid. He felt his father embrace them both and despite being in his parent’s loving arms, he had never felt so lonely. His road to healing would be a long one…

 

“Jani? Jani! Fuck!” Jenny punched the mattress. Jani had twitched suddenly and breathed out once, twice and he had been gone. She had kept her hand on his wrist, feeling for his pulse, when he had twitched and his hand had slipped from her tired grip.

“Jani, goddamnit! How can you do this to us?!”


	5. And his heart wept

Timo sat next to Rolf in the truck, holding his limp hand, feeling numb. That had been his state of mind since he had left Jani, having gotten about a kilometer or two away from where he had been forced to leave him, when his head had exploded in pain, sending him tumbling to the ground.

He had felt like somebody had hacked his head in two with an ax and tried to tear his heart out of his chest. He had cried his pain, not caring if wolves heard him, the pain was out of this world, worse than the burn… His heart kept skipping beats, his chest constricting and head throbbing.

The headache had stopped rather suddenly and left him a trembling mess, but his heart wouldn’t calm. He tried in vain to draw deep breaths, but for a while, he was certain he’d die of heart failure then and there. He didn’t feel Jani anymore. He had severed their connection, that had to be it. He would be worse otherwise. He had felt the bullet tear through Jani’s leg, the phantom pain nearly making him cry out.

The distant wolf howl somehow soothed him and he felt a familiar presence wash over him, making him close his eyes. He knew that soothing presence… It was Jani’s mother. Mielikki had always calmed him down, soothed his mind.

“…I’m sorry…” he had choked out, trying to wipe off the tears from his face before they froze. Darkness had fallen and only the intuition kept him on the right path that should take him to the settlement. “I’m so sorry… I failed him…”

The wind nudged him to the direction he had been heading and once he found that his breathing had gotten easier and his heart, despite making him feel weak, was still beating, he knew he had to keep going. Strato counted on him. He had tried his best not to be a burden to them, but that was often how he felt, even after his hand had fully healed. His heart was often the problem and while only Jani, Lauri and Matias knew, it was still too many to his liking.

 

Timo had no clue which had hurt more, the tears that had streamed down Emppu’s face or Jenny’s eyes flashing with sorrow for a moment, before hardening over again to the glaciers they were. He felt responsible for it and now they were homeless, wandering together with the wandering part of Altaria, the young and restless souls, hunters and messengers.

They had been looking for a shelter by the dam, when Jenny had abruptly turned around, making Timo and Emppu pause as well. The group making their way down the small hill wasn’t familiar to them until he saw a flash of red, he didn’t even need to hear Jenny’s whisper of Jani’s identity. He already knew. His heart screamed at him when he ran, nearly colliding with him.

“Timo!”

“…Jani… I thought you were dead. We all did.” he had whispered, trying to keep his tears at bay, not daring to kiss him in front of strangers, but Jani simply brought their foreheads together.

“They found me… just in time…”

For a moment, there was just the two of them.

“We knew we can’t get rid of you that easily, you’re like a tick…” Jens had said as soon as he had made it close enough, breaking their tender moment, but Timo had no complaints. They were his friends.

You found him?” he had asked from the two men closest to them. They both had nodded.

"Yeah, we followed your tracks out of curiosity. Found him just in time, he would have been dead in few hours. Thankfully we had someone in our settlement who knows how to treat wounds..." 

He knew right off the bat he had left something unsaid. He knew what he hadn’t said. Jani was dying. He could tell from how heavily he leaned on the crutch, how the new group hovered near him, how tired and worn out he had looked. His eyes had told enough. He had found him only to get ready to say his goodbyes. Again. And it was tearing him apart.

“Thank you. For not leaving him there… I’m Timo, by the way…”

Jani was trembling after a while, was it from his wound or cold, he didn’t know. He just held him tight, not wanting to let go, as they made their way to the little makeshift camp their group had made.

"We are about to try to find a good spot for a temporary camp within the woods, before heading to Rovaniemi. We saw what the soldiers did in Altaria base camp... We had no other means to bury them, but to sink them into the pond. Jani, we are sorry you had to find it out that way... Apparently, your mother and father had put up a big fight..." 

“…it was… like a nightmare… all of them…”

“Some escaped, but not many, according to Jenny…”

“…please… don’t…” Jani had mumbled, barely audible.

“…sorry…”

 

The wound… He had seen it while Jenny and Mikko had treated I, changing the dressing with what little supplies they had with them. Inside, he was crying. He had to keep his distance from Jani, otherwise, he’d break down, not wanting to let go. It was tearing him apart. When Jani had spoken with Tony, his voice had been so weak, so exhausted… He had heard it before, but he couldn’t unhear it. The waver. The breathlessness…

In other circumstances, maybe Tony would have driven Jani to become the shaman he was supposed to, he sensed some rivalry. No. Jealousy. Some hint of the envy green. He gave a sad smile when Tony managed to convince most, that it was time. Time to break free from the fear. They would either succeed or die trying. If that was their fate, so be it. At least in death, in the Spirit World, nothing would tear him apart from Jani ever again.

“Live to fight another day…”

Jani’s voice was different when he said it. He sounded more like his father, but also, it showed his stubbornness. Timo knew he had one more thing to do and he’d do it as well as he could. They were needed. He was needed.

Everything had been a haze. Physical and mental anguish, hour by hour. Seeing Jani grow weaker despite him trying to hold on was like a pitch black, suffocating cloud all around him, like fog, swallowing everything. When he last saw Jani, Jenny had taken over in order to take him to Rovaniemi and even though Timo wanted nothing more than going with them, he knew The Free needed him more. Jani didn’t need him with him, but with them. His mind felt clearer, but a momentary lapse of concentration had sent him to the ground, confusing him to no end, making him curse his carelessness. His mouth didn’t cooperate with him and he made feeble and stupid excuses, just like Jani would.

Jani’s rune bones. He had seen them once. He had been more playing with them than actually using them the last he saw them. He understood them, somehow. The others were bickering amongst themselves, but Timo looked down at the odd switches on the snowy machines, before wrenching one open.

“Alright. We have enough camouflage and we make less noise that way. I agree with Tony. We walk. Jens?”

“We are most likely gonna die, get mutilated, no matter before or after death and then impaled on stakes. But we live longer if we try to take them with the surprise element. If we are to go and die now, might as well go with a bang.”

 

And with a bang indeed. He remembered next to nothing. Only that he had seen a young man being cradled in the trembling arms of a woman and suddenly, he was reminded by his little brothers. The boy was still alive. He saw them starting to get the boy out of there and he left to follow Tony.

Lies. It was all lies the man was spewing. He had lost his mind. The photo… he had lost his sons, yet he was torturing someone’s son, had ordered people for slaughter like reindeer. He was suddenly glad his family was dead. That his brothers had never faced anything like this. Or Jani… Wait… Jani was suffering from his actions. He was dying an agonizing death because of…

Run. Grab Henkka and run. No matter how badly his heart hurt and chest tightened. He had to run.

 

Black. Grey. Light. He pulled himself up, looking at Tony, looking at Henkka, who looked unharmed, just winded and held his shoulder. Then he remembered. The others. What about the boy?

The relief he felt to find him still alive was brief when he was filled with sorrow again. He looked so young… Young enough to be his son. While others patched up others, he sat with the boy, talking to him, talking to the shaman, singing whatever came to his mind to the boy, then talking again. He could have sworn the boy’s spirit was reaching out to him, trying to convey his feelings to him. The hand he held was limp. There was no strength left and he found himself praying. Begging not to take this boy unless it was the only option…

 

He numbly looked to his left, seeing the woman and Elias talk quietly, taking care of the boy. He should be doing that to Jani right now, but he had to wait. So instead, he sat there, ignoring the jostling and how it made his body ache even more. He had promised not to let go.

“Why you’re doing this?” Elias had asked him, making Timo look down at the boy.

“Because… because he reminds me of my youngest brother… Do you know how old is he?”

“He’s… maybe 25… I’m not sure, keeping track of days is hard…”

“I know… I just… feel like… I should be here…”

“He was orphaned in the Tampere bombing… he was my neighbor. I thought he died. Though… I’m guessing it’s hard to tell if he’s… going to survive now…”

“…the blankets hide the true extent of his injuries… Tuomas says he’ll survive, but… we lost count how many times he nearly died…” the woman said quietly, humming something and petting the boy’s head.

Tony’s eyes were full of sympathy and Timo knew that the man was aware, how he must have felt right now. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. The boy’s hand slipped away from his and shivers ran down his spine.

Jani… he was almost there…

 

Yet they were too late. The look Jenny gave him… The empty eyes that he saw even in the dying light. The unshed tears. Tears she never shed. She didn’t need to say anything. He knew.

He was too late.

Jani was gone.


	6. Lock of hair, red as fire

Tony and Tuomas stood at the door, quiet, letting Timo say goodbyes to Jani. He watched the man cry silently, petting Jani’s hair and face, the tenderness something that reminded Tony of what he had done with Outi back in the day.

“Jani… I’m so sorry… I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you… I’d rather be nowhere else…”

Tuomas’ hand tightened on Tony’s shoulder and he looked back at the shaman.

“He most likely didn’t suffer… I’m sure he had pulled himself to the Spirit World when the pain was too much… Nobody feels pain in there. You can go to them… We need to give Timo reason to live, as painful as it is… Nobody wants to lose a loved one…”

“I know how he feels…” Tony whispered back and cautiously approached Timo, who still hadn’t let go of Jani.

“Timo… I’m sorry… I know how you feel…”

The man snorted and drew a shuddering breath.

“The wolves mauled my wife… a few weeks back… I could just… sit and watch… and I know you feel even worse… because… I’m sorry, you should have been here. It’s my fault you weren’t…”

“No… I don’t think… it wouldn’t have made any difference… maybe… Maybe I would have…”

Tuomas’ hand on his shoulder made him fall silent. “He cut you off, releasing the anchor bond so that you would live. He didn’t want to pull you with him…”

“He knew I had to get Strato out of the caves… That I had to warn them…”

Tuomas’ eyes widened a little. So it was Strato who lived in the caves they had questioned them about, torturing Rolf to the brink of death and causing 4 deaths within their small band of captives.

“…they questioned us about the caves. Were the caves filled with different resources?”

Timo looked up with bloodshot eyes. “Yes…”

“We didn’t know where it was. I knew there must be such cave since they were asking it. They tortured several members, killing four in the process. Only Rolf withheld. They tried to have me break by torturing him, but… Timo… I know you want to join Jani in the Spirit World and you have every right, there is just one thing I must ask you to consider.”

“I’m no use to anybody…” the older man said, his hair falling to cover his face, as he looked down at his left hand. Tony glanced at it and did a doubletake. The skin was oddly contoured and lighter in color, but obviously long ago healed.

“…it doesn’t matter. You seemed to be drawn to Rolf. You are spirit sensitive, aren’t you?” Tuomas asked, confusing Tony to no end.

“Yes… and… he reminds me of my little brother…”

“He needs a father figure, maybe you can provide that to him. Spirits know we have tried, he didn’t always want to listen what I tried to teach him, but you… I could sense it from you. So, please… He will need all the support he can get… It’s all I’m asking you.”

“Elias is his anchor, isn’t he?” Timo asked quietly and Tony was starting to feel frustrated, nobody would explain anything to him.

“Yes. Speaking of him… I need to go see how he’s doing, the journey wasn’t that comfortable… Tony, I’ll see you there shortly… You’ll find us…”

Tuomas patted their shoulders gently and left, leaving the two with the cooling body of the redhead.

“Tuomas said he didn’t feel any pain… that he-“

“-escaped it to the Spirit World, I know how that works. He… He never learned that, so I don’t think… I don’t think his passing was painless…”

Tony sighed, Timo’s voice was dull and quiet, his hands never leaving the redhead’s limp hand. He dug his pockets for a while, finding his small knife from his parka.

“Here… cut a lock of his hair… At least you’ll have something to remember him by…”

The older man looked up at him, then took the knife.

“Mikko did the same with Outi, I was too… distraught to even realize… This is the only thing I have to remember her by… I just… wanted to burn everything…” Tony showed the small lock of hair he had kept wrapped in a hankie in his pocket. “It’s a small memento, but… at worst days… it’s enough.”

Timo’s hands shook when he combed the thin strands, cutting off a lock, handing the knife back to Tony, not trusting himself to be with sharp objects. “Jani… I’m so sorry… Wait for me, will you?” the blond mumbled and pressed a kiss on Jani’s forehead, letting Tony help him up. He took a piece of string from the nearby table, knowing it to be Jenny’s hair tie, but she wouldn’t miss it, she more often had her hair open anyway, tying the lock of red hair with it tightly, holding on to it.

“Timo, I-“

“I don’t want to talk right now… I’m… I’m tired…”

“Let’s go ask around for food… We woke up everyone when we came here…”

The center square was milling with people, some being reunited with their friends and families. Tony smiled upon seeing Pirre and Maria work on food for everyone, Reetta helping out on the side and herding the children along. He could see they were happy to have their husbands back, alive and well, but they were also tired. Then he frowned. Where were they? He saw Henkka hovering nearby, not letting the kids out of his sight.

“Timo?”

They turned to see the Strato leader.

“…what do you want?” Timo grumbled tiredly.

“I’m sorry for your loss… We all know how much Jani meant for you.”

“Yeah…”

“Come on, they are diving out some cabins and kotas. Do you want to be housed with Lauri, Matias, and Jens?” Tolkki asked and Tony somehow felt that as a peace offering.

“…I guess…”

Tolkki nodded to Tony, leading Timo off to the cabins. Henkka plopped himself down next to Tony on the bench, holding a sleepy baby, probably Reetta’s.

“So… Jani…”

“Yeah… He didn’t make it…”

“He held out pretty long…”

“He did… Timo is in shambles; I hope he won’t be left alone…”

Henkka shook his head. “Follow his example, eat… You know they are excellent cooks.”

“I will…”

He couldn’t get much down, but enough to make himself feel even a little bit refreshed and he had promised to Tuomas, to go see how the two injured men were doing. He gave up on eating the rest, giving it to one of the Strato, not remembering who, heading for the whitewashed cottages.


	7. Tearing apart the heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most what Tuomas says at the end are from Child of the Wild by ChristianHowe. We are playing off from each other's fics ^^

Reetta was the one to react first, as usual, when the sound of a truck pulling up to the center square woke up the kids.

“Shh, Toivo… Let’s be quiet, ok? Mom’s gonna come with you and we check if daddy came home yet…”

The distant column of smoke and flashes of light had scared many inhabitants, but for some reason, them three, Reetta, Maria and Pirre, hadn’t been scared.

She made it to the window, followed by groggy Pirre, only to once again, go hurry put their clothes on and wrap up the kids in blankets. No use to try to have them sleep, they were very much awake by the rumble anyway.

“What’s the hurry?” Maria asked from her bed, Daniela all but sprawled over her middle.

“They are back. Our husbands are back! We saw them!” Reetta said, beaming brightly.

“…what…” Maria was slow to catch on, but Daniela perked up.

“Daddy’s home?”

“Yeah. Your daddy’s home. And their daddies are home too!” Pirre pulled the girl up from the bed, and her mom, and she was dressing up in a flurry of curly hair.

It took them less than five minutes to get dressed and outside, as soon as they caught sight of their husbands, they had bolted to them, hugging them tightly.

“Reetta!” Elias had exclaimed, holding her tight, kissing her face all over, kissing and hugging the children she was holding.

“Salla and Toivo were missing you already terribly…”

“Toivo?”

“It just… occurred to me. I don’t know why. Why are you bloody? Are you hurt?”

“No. You… You don’t believe who they had held in captivity in Kätkävaara.”

“What?”

“The faction that invaded North. I can’t believe he’s still alive… Rolf! Rolf was there! He had been tortured and… he’s… a mess… but… alive,” Elias was both ecstatic but looked also frightened.

“Oh my god…. Really?” Reetta’s eyes were nearly bugging out. She hadn’t expected that. Rolf… She was sure he had died and after Elias stopped having dreams of the boy, she was sure he had stopped mourning the boy. And now they had found him…

“Yeah. They took him away just now, I… I don’t know whether to be with him or with you…”

“Rest up a bit first, ok? I’ll get you food, you hold and cuddle the kids for a while. Let the medics work on Rolf, ok?”

There was something odd going on, but she didn’t know what. Elias had been almost smitten over the boy, but he had been a charmer ever since he was a baby, so she couldn’t really blame him. She thought he was the cutest child she had ever seen. Sans her own.

“Well… Yeah, you’re right… I’m hungry and tired and I missed you so much…” He wiped his now bare hands off to the back of his parka, before taking Toivo in his arms, smiling at the confused look on the baby’s face, before it split into a smile and a giggle. “Hey, buddy! You’ve grown! Aw, and a nice smile for daddy… I missed you too…”

Reetta simply smiled back and then laughed, when Henkka, despite his obvious injury, was being smothered by his wife and children, while Tommy and Pirre were making a record-breaking, lengthy kiss.

“What was the pillar of smoke?” she asked after she had ushered him to the firepit to sit on the bench to wait for food. Toivo was gurgling this and that and trying to eat his mitten.

“It blew up. The whole fell blew up. I don’t know how we bailed out of there… My ears are still ringing from the blast… Mikko was hurt in the explosion though…” he mumbled as she pushed a bowl of stew to his hands after a short while of waiting, when one older woman, a Sámi, had brought in premade food for heating.

“What?”

“…he was protecting Rolf and got hit to the head… It’s… bad. Really bad…”

“Gosh… And there’s no knowing will he-“

“No clue… I want to go back, to find out. How’s Jani?” he asked suddenly, remembering the redhead. Reetta shared a look with Pirre, who had sat with her family close by.

“We heard her scream and rage some hours ago. At least an hour or two before you arrived. I don’t think…” The men fell silent at Pirre’s words. They knew what that meant. Jani had most likely died.

“Damn, he was nice…”

“Where is Jani?” Ella asked all of a sudden, drawing their attention to the girl sitting on the reindeer pelt.

“He’s… he’s been really sick and… He went to the same place Outi and Lotta did, remember? Spirit World. He will be your guardian angel from now on…” Tommy tried to explain.

“Are there guardian angels?”

“Yes. You can’t see them, but they are always with you and stop you from getting into harm’s way…” Reetta offered as an explanation. They had different beliefs in Tampere than in North, but the northerners looked relieved when she accepted her vision of things.

Whole meal and moment of reprieve was overshadowed by Jani’s death and not knowing the extent of the injuries Rolf and Mikko had sustained. After Tommy had eaten, he had kissed his kids and wife goodnight, saying he felt needed at the sick ward, he wanted to see Mikko himself.

Elias could understand and he wanted to go too, but he found it hard to leave Reetta, now that she was back in his arms.

“Go, both of you. You knew the boy so I’m sure he’d appreciate hearing familiar voices…” Henkka commented, looking rather sleepy there, leaning against Maria with their children in their arms.

“I agree. I’ll put the children to bed…” Pirre offered.

“I… Yeah… Thank you…” Elias thanked her, giving her a brief hug, giving now sleeping Toivo for her to hold.

“How bad was it? With them?” Reetta asked when they were out of earshot of others. She had grown fond of the quiet and unsure medic, trying to give him more confidence in his abilities, he had after all helped to deliver 4 children to the world with neither of them getting any complications. That counted as something, at least in her books.

“Mikko got a serious head injury, it seems, his face… the other half is… the skin is almost gone and… I think there might be a fracture of the skull, there was so much blood… I thought he had died, but he still clung to life during the ride back here. At least that’s what I understood when Tuomas, the shaman who was in captivity, and Tommy interacted with him.”

Reetta looked stricken. “And Rolf?”

“To me… he had apparently been beaten, he had a small head wound… What was her name again… Anette or something, she said… that he had almost died several times… I don’t know how badly he is actually injured…”

“Well, from the sounds of that, bad… Holy-“

The scream they heard was blood-chilling.

“Uh-oh…”

Matias, who was busy dumping bloody water out of a bowl, motioned Elias and Reetta to a cabin.

“Rolf’s in there. I gotta warn you… it ain’t pretty…”

Nothing could have prepared them for the sight that they saw inside. the woman holding Rolf’s arms and trying to keep him on his side was visibly struggling to keep him still, while his back was being treated.

“Oh no…” Reetta slapped a hand over her mouth and took a step back, making Elias falter too. The reek of blood and the infected tissues was absolutely overwhelming

“Tuomas, Anette… I can’t… I really can’t do this…”

“Nitte, switch out then… Rolf, listen to me, please, we don’t want to hurt you, but we have to do this…” Tuomas tried to calm the struggling young man, but it was hard. The vinegar used to wash out the wounds was making him try to squirm away from the onslaught.

From where they stood, Reetta and Elias couldn’t see the injuries, but neither of them really wanted to. If he was that much in pain, the injuries must have been serious…

 “I… I don’t think I can bear to watch…” Reetta started to feel sick and turned her attention to the other one in the cottage. She then realized, from the long black strands of hair, that it was Mikko. “Oh god… Mikko…”

The older man, whom Elias remembered as Jens, looked up, from where he had been helping deathly pale Jenny bandage the medic’s head, Tommy looking on, holding back his tears.

“He ain’t doing that good… Not sure how long he can last… We are planning on moving him to another hut, but if we as much as jostle him, he starts seizing…”

 “I’ll… I’ll visit Mikko once he’s been moved. I… I’ve known Rolf since he was a child, but I can’t… I just can’t…” Reetta was fighting back the urge to hurl up the late-night meal she had eaten. This was too much. Elias hugged her gently.

“I understand… I’m feeling sick too, but… I feel like I have to… That I owe it to them, Rolf especially, that I stay…” Elias whispered to her ear, flinching when Rolf wailed and pleaded them to stop. Reetta simply nodded and detached herself from Elias, glancing at the two patients, turning around and walking out with unsteady steps.

“Elias? Switch out with Nitte, you might be able to calm him down, he’s delirious with rising fever and pain. He will sense your presence and calm down,” Tuomas ordered gently, while Jens and Jenny managed to get Mikko moved to another cottage with the help of Emppu and Tommy.

Elias was fighting back the tears of his own. Rolf had been barely able to breathe when they had found him, the truck ride seemingly putting him through unnecessary pain, but now… He was almost like a wild animal, somehow gaining more strength in the warm cabin and safe environment.

“Rolf, please! It’s alright. It’ll be over soon. We promise… I promise… Just breathe. Don’t cry. Just breathe…” Elias kept repeating the same mantra over and over, holding the boy against him as well as he could, his heart breaking into million pieces as minutes ticked by.

Anette apparently hit a deeper wound, when a louder scream was torn loose of his throat, making Elias shudder. He looked up when a waft of colder air reached them. He saw Tony approaching, a slight frown on his face.

Sometimes he and Tony didn’t see eye to eye and he seemed to be highly troubled by him and Rolf, what was between them, it was something he didn’t want to disclose, it was sensitive enough as it was.

Rolf’s wounds were soon cleaned and dressed, Elias loosening his hold when Rolf seemed to tire and let go of the death grip he had had on him. Tired Anette washed up her hands with a new bowl of water Matias had brought in before leaving again.

“Will he live?” he had to ask, tearing his gaze away from Tony, needing to know, hearing nothing but Rolf’s rattling breathing.

“He will live,” Tuomas’ voice was low and he seemed to hesitate in speaking, looking at Rolf thoughtfully, “but he’ll always bear the scars, both on the outside and on the inside. Some of his injuries will never fully heal. His legs were broken and couldn’t be set properly without splints. They’ve started mending but not in the right way,” Elias glanced at the young man’s legs, that were swollen and limp, not even twitching. He had been afraid that they were paralyzed, but how he had screamed when somebody had touched them and accidentally bent them… He was still whimpering.

“We’d need to break them again and set them, but he’s too weak for that now and it will be too late if we wait for him to regain his strength. If he ever walks again, he’ll still be in pain for the rest of his life. As for most of the other wounds, they’re painful but superficial.”

Tony crouched down next to the cot, looking at the bandaged expanse of Rolf’s back. Tuomas turned his attention to Tony.

“While we were prisoners, he developed a strength of mind that’s rare and exceptional. I have seen you when I called out for help. Rolf was supporting me… without knowing it. He doesn’t believe it yet, but he’s going to be a shaman, just like you will be. It will be his weapon against the wounds inflicted on his spirit…”

Elias looked back up after a moment of silence, seeing the shaman looking at him. “The road to healing will be a long and slow one. He’ll need friendship to walk it. And love.”

He wanted to protect Rolf, never to let go now that he had found him again. “He’ll have that, I swear.”

Tony was nodding as well, standing up next to Tuomas. “He won’t be alone, ever,” he had whispered, locking eyes with Elias, who was rather glad of the display of support, before gently wiping off the tears and beads of sweat from Rolf’s face, trying to soothe him. Anette brought them blankets, ushering Tony to the pelts on the floor near the fire.

“It’s all we have here, but at least better than nothing…” Anette had obviously been inches away from mentioning the place before a grief-stricken look had crossed her face and she had shaken her head.

“I’ll go see others before going to sleep myself… Is Timo safe?”

Elias and Tony both looked up.

“Strato’s leader apparently planned to house him with some of his friends. I don’t think he’s stupid enough to leave him alone,” Tony explained quietly, sounding tired to the bone now that he was actually sitting down.

“I will explain things tomorrow. There’s one more pressing matter and I need rest as well. I will see you in the morning, I hope. If Rolf… goes worse, do come to wake either me or Tarja… We are sharing a goahti nearby… He should be fine now, he has gotten at least some water and has the second-best pain relief with him right now. Don’t’ worry too much, sleep well.”

Viljanen nodded and realized there was a reason why Tony was made to stay there. Most likely he wouldn’t be able to leave Rolf and Tony was the one who’d be sent to get help, that was most likely why banged around Emppu and Tommy were hovering by Mikko, he guessed.

Tony was asleep in a matter of minutes, but Elias stayed awake for far longer his body would have liked, but he was afraid Rolf would abruptly stop breathing.

“…Elias…” Rolf had whispered, falling to fitful sleep once again.

He couldn’t do anything else but let his tears fall silently. This was tearing him apart…


	8. Accidental anchoring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is original snippet from 2011, when I first started writing WHG. Takes place during WHG itself and is also expanded in Child of the Wild, this is the tame version of what happened.

Jani looked relaxed, his pain numbed by the simple medicine from nature. Willow bark. Mikko felt ashamed that he hadn't known it. When Jani had pulled the leather bag from the little cellar-like construction, Mikko knew it was himself who didn't know much about medical care.

The goahti, or how the redhead called it: kota, was big, built ages ago, but still, it withstood everything nature threw at it. And it was warm, the fireplace in the center brought the paintings alive on the walls.

"You want to say something... But you don't know where to start."

The dark haired man jumped a little, he had forgotten Jani for a moment. The young shaman was watching him. Heaving a sigh, the other sat beside the redhead, watching him, observing his every little twitch.

"You're right. I have a ton of things. I apologize for Tony's behavior. We all have lost something. Tony and Marko lost their dearest persons, and the dog, Elias, Henkka and now Tommy had to send their families away..."

"And what you lost?" came a quiet question.

"...my faith..."

"In what? The god we all have heard stories of?"

"That too..."

"Mikko... I'm not that badly dazed by the willow bark that I didn't notice you holding my hand..."

Narrow hand was quickly pulled away and he tried to turn away from the gaze of the shaman.

"...but I wasn't implying that I mind... Because I didn't mind..."

They sat on the old reindeer skins that gave the kota a unique scent of raw nature and something mystical. The earlier happenings were already forgotten, though Jani still looked rather unwell. Or it was just Mikko's imagination. The redhead threw himself on his back on the skins, the hay mattress rustling calmingly.

"You're always watching me and trying to get closer. That isn't just because of my injury, is it..."

Freezing midway of maneuvering himself also on his back, Mikko held his breath for a moment. SLumping the rest of the way down, he turned to look Jani.

"Not really. I can't take my eyes off of you, I dream about you..."

"You dream about me? What kind of dreams are they?" Jani asked and with some trouble, turned over on his good side, thigh protesting his movements no matter what.

"Uh..." the other man blushed scarlet and stammered with his words until he was granted mercy by the shaman, who leaned closer, hot breath ghosting over Mikko's lips.

"I think I can guess, because earlier today, with my little shamanistic experiments, I caught a glimpse of everyone's mind. Including yours."

As soon as the dark eyes closed out of shame, thin lips were pressed against his own. Gathering his courage that had momentarily vanished into the heavy air of the kota, Mikko took control and pressed Jani on his back, clambering to sit on redhead's hips. Heavy winter clothes were shed slowly, both of them taking their time.

Keeping quiet, since the others had occupied the goahti surrounding this one, the pair was slowly getting familiar with each other. Long black strands of hair were like a curtain shadowing their faces. Hands trailing smooth, pale skin, muscles straining, hearts beating in perfect unison.

Illusion broke when somebody entered the kota, but all they heard was: "Oh, sorry. I'm off," and the sound of a curtain being pulled in front of the doorway. Mikko sat up again and tossed his hair over his shoulders. He looked at the red-haired man beneath him. Eyes were dark, but something was broken. But the blue eyes held a promise. They'll get their chance. One day. Sooner or later.


	9. Unexpected

Jani sat under a tree, breathing freely, feeling warm and relaxed. Yet he wasn’t completely at ease. His heart still ached for Timo. …and for Mikko… When Mikko had been struck, he had died a few seconds later. He felt guilty for what he and the medic had done, but it had felt… right. He knew what had been eating the man from inside out, he had seen glimpses of them. Blood. Pools of blood. A dying woman, bleeding out in his arms, Tony holding a woman and crying several times… Tony crying over the woman he had seen often, holding her mauled body close to him.

That’s what he had figured out. Mikko’s woman had bled out for some reason, but he had guessed it had something to do with probably a baby. Same with the other woman, whom he guessed had been Tony’s wife. Several occasions… And when she had died… He knew those marks well. A wolf attack.

A shadow fell on his face and he looked up, seeing a woman he had never seen before.

“Who are you?” he instinctively asked, knowing he sounded blunt.

“I’m Johanna. We have met once, but I was nothing but a baby.”

“How do you know me?”

“Of course I’d know Grand Master’s son.”

Jani didn’t know what to say to that, so he opted to stay quiet.

“May I join you? The apple tree looks so beautiful and inviting.”

“Go ahead, knock yourself out.”

The woman giggled and sat down next to him, taking a deep breath.

“So.  You sit here, moping about your lover you had to leave behind.”

Jani snorted. “I’d rather be with him, have him here…”

“What about Mikko? I know you’d love to be with him as well.”

“You are starting to creep me out…”

Johanna laughed again, the sound almost reminding Jani of the birds he heard the other day.

“You want to see him once more. You know that you can’t. He’s healing and it would only send him back if he sensed you with him again. They know you are always in their hearts. Timo is finding a purpose for himself, he is still needed in the world of the living. And you are needed there, but as a spirit.”

“Why are you telling me this?” he had to look away from her gaze, that made him feel like he was transparent. She may be younger than he was, but she was one of the purest and strongest of spirits he had ever felt. And strongest.

“Because I’m a spirit beacon. I was to marry and anchor a shaman Grand Master, but he refused me. Our relationship died out, but… There will be one stronger than me, stronger than him. Stronger than you. Or Jyrki, Tony, even Rolf.”

He shrugged. He was just a trainee. The wind picked up and sent some loose leaves past him.

“That is not your element. You have taken control of it, but you can’t control it. You can’t change and morph it to your will.”

“Stop!” Jani snapped at her and felt his hand burn suddenly. His attention snapped to his hand and his eyes flew wide. The whole appendage was engulfed in flames.

“That… is your element.”

“No. Nononononono…”

“Jani… with this… you would have lived…”

The flames surrounding his hand stopped burning but kept blazing brightly. He moved his hand and the flames reacted. Closing his hand into a fist put them out.

“Did Mikko fail me as well?”

Johanna didn’t answer to him and he knew the truth. They both were to blame.

“Come with me. I will teach you to reach the physical world. I know you weren’t the best of students and while you are close with your parents again, they have things to do and I’m the only witch strong enough for this. Bring your fire out again.”

“What?”

“It wasn’t me, who set your hand on fire.”

Jani was confused.

“You’ve controlled fire twice before.”

Damn, this woman knew everything!

“It can’t hurt you anymore.”

Heaving a sigh, he closed his eyes and soon, he felt warmth surrounding his right hand again. The wind was always cold, but the fire, it was… warm. The swoosh around him told that they weren’t by the tree anymore, but in a small kota, with a cold and empty hearth.

“Light it… and watch…”

He did as told and soon, the fire was crackling merrily, feeding on the birch logs Johanna has tossed in. He did what he did last time, making the fire form figures, but it didn’t take long before he saw something else. A room.

“What the-“

“Shh…” Johanna hushed him and waved her hands, making the fire form a window.

He recognized them.

“…Tony… and Elias…”

“Yes. He’s Tuomas, one of the Grand Masters.”

“…you were supposed to marry him, weren’t you?”

“…yes…” her response was a little sad. “Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine yourself in that room. I’ll help you from here…”

Jani was startled to find himself in the room, able to look around and see it, albeit a little differently than normal. Everything was a little bit… blurry, like he was watching things through the water. Voices were distorted and he couldn’t touch anything. Until he brushed up against a kuksa and it tipped over.

“Careful…” he heard Johanna’s voice inside his head.

Tony suddenly turned and so did Tuomas and from between them, Jani could see Elias sitting on a cot, holding the hand of a young, blond man. Jani tried not to hit anything else when he crept closer, but at Johanna’s prompt, stopped two meters away.

“What was that?” Tony asked, turning to Tuomas. The said man shook his head.

“Just a spirit, a curious one. I don’t know who he is, he’s a bit blurry to me…”

Jani was staring. He saw their spirits. Tony’s was just beginning to swirl, looking more like rakovalkea, the tendril snaking their way out of the cracks and surround him, like smoke with a slight breeze.  Tuomas reminded him of jätkänkynttilä, cool exterior, but bright flame within. He must be a fire shaman like him. Elias was an enigma for him, he saw him differently from the two, just… normal. The young man lying on the bed though…

“He’s in pain…”

“Yes… His name is Rolf. Elias is his anchor. His presence can only ease it so much…”

“Can… can I help?”

“Not yet… Look at him…”

Rolf’s spirit was spreading around like roots of a tree, some wrapping around Elias’ arms. Jani blinked and the tendrils slowly wrapped themselves around him.

“He’s…”

“An earth shaman. Tähti, who adopted your twin, was one. He will know the ways of the drums, once he recovers… Earth shamans are deeply rooted in the earth itself, down to earth personalities and in tune with nature. He just needs to find it…”

“So…”

“Five Grand Masters represent all four elements and more, making a complex pattern that always creates harmony. Tuomas is the fire and healing. Jyrki is the water and witch drum, Your sister is water, healing and witch drum. Tony will be wind and wolf shaman. Rolf will be earth and witch drum…”

“How do you know this?” Jani’s head was reeling, when he watched Tuomas examine Rolf’s knees, making the young man cry out. He could sense his agony, the dull throb that was his back and the pangs of pain caused by his legs.

“We see visions even in the Spirit World. You saw visions too. I know about them because I see them too.”

“I…” he wanted to reach out, but if he got any closer, Rolf would lash out without knowing it, with his spirit. Tuomas and even Tony looked surprised and glanced at each other.

“I felt… like… someone is here…”

“Well, anyway…”

Jani was pulled back by Johanna and he looked on, grimacing at the prospect Rolf had in front of him. Rebreaking and setting his legs straight. Elias’ devotion for him was making the redhead reel with a flashback, Timo promising to look after him matter what…

“How do I get out? I… I can’t be here… I… I want out.”

“No… his legs need to be set now or he’ll never walk again. Wait a few more minutes… He’s almost here…”

“Who?” Jani was confused until they all heard a knock on the door.

The man venturing in was large, making Jani feel rather puny compared to him.

“Tuomas, Anette said you’d be here.”

“Antti!” the shaman looked surprised. “After all this time, is Red Cross still functioning?”

“We are doing what we can, but even our resources are limited.”

“We could use your help right about now.”

Jani watched Tony step aside and Antti come closer, only for him to gasp and visibly startle.

“Rolf?”

“…Antti?”

“You sure have grown since I picked you up from the side of the highway… but you definitely look worse. I’m guessing I don’t even need to ask what happened, I went to the settlement first… Horrible sight. I did find this though…” Antti dug a Lapinpuukko from his pocket and Rolf visibly perked up, though the hands reaching for it were slow and trembling.

“We all lost a lot… Antti… Did you bring any medicines?”

“Yeah, some painkillers and assortment of this and that. And hey, I found the drum while I rummaged. I kinda… looted your settlement, thought that if I find you alive, or any other… you know… shaman or whatever you are, I’d give them back.”

Jani was confused for a while before he remembered the drumbeat from his childhood, but the pain and fear drowned it out and rendered it ineffective.

“Of course… certain drum beats numb the pain your brain picks up…” Jani said to himself but felt melancholy from both Johanna and Tuomas.

“The Drum… the one that causes me headaches?” Rolf had rasped, coughing for a moment, before Elias fed him some water.

“Depends on the type. I never tried that rhythm on you… but I’d need somebody to drum it and that isn’t happening…”

Jani swiped the kuksa now clean off the table. He knew how to drum and he knew it was possible for a spirit to do that. His grandfather had done it to their family drum once.

“Jani!” Johanna warned him again.

“What the hell was that?!” Antti was rather scared. Tuomas reached out, even Tony with some hesitance, did but to his frustration, he couldn’t grasp either of them.

“A spirit is trying to tell us something. You know it’s real…”

“Yeah yeah. That was freaky though….”

Jani was on the verge of growling out of frustration when he froze. Rofl was looking straight at him.

“I um… I’ll go get your stuff, and the meds… Rolf here looks like he could use one or two pills…” Antti looked freaked out and for someone his size, he made it out rather soundless and fast.

“Rolf?” Elias tried to get his attention, but he kept staring the tableside, where the kuksa had been knocked off. Jani approached him again, but as soon as he made it to touching distance, he noticed a trickle of blood from his nose. Tuomas knelt beside his cot and put a cloth against Rolf’s nose.

“There’s a spirit rather close to you, right? Do you see them?”

“…yes…” the young man croaked and Jani gulped.

“Relax. Spirits can’t hurt you… They are not here to hurt you… Reach out to him…” Tuomas encouraged, his spirit radiating inviting warmth, finally brushing up against Jani.

“Tuomas? You know the spirit?” Tony asked and Tuomas looked unsure.

“I can’t see it, it’s masked by someone else, but… I… think… I have an idea who it is… Rolf?”

“…yes?”

“Can you see him clearly?”

“I… yes… I don’t know him… but… he can… help…”

“Tuomas? What’s going on? Is that nosebleed a bad thing?” Elias sounded really worried and Jani felt guilty for it.

“Sometimes a witch drum or close proximity of a spirit causes him nosebleeds. The willow bark he got yesterday isn’t helping this, so Antti’s arrival is a blessing… Speaking of him…”

“I’m back! Here’s all the stuff I got…”

Jani stepped back, almost backed up to a corner, breath caught in his throat when he saw Jenny again. She looked haggard and drained but if her taking off her long-sleeved was any indication, she’d be Tuomas’ second pair of hands at getting Rolf’s legs back in order.

“Johanna? Do you think I could… get the drum working?”

“Only if you remember the right rhythm. I cannot help you with that. Hurry. I cannot cloak you forever, though.”

Once the drum had been set down, Jani rushed to it, knowing he wouldn’t be able to move the antler piece on the first try, but… Closing his eyes, he focused on Tuomas’ rune bones he had noticed being set down close-by. The first rap of them on the drumskin turned heads, the antler piece following.

“Keep going, Jani. They are ready…”

 

He kept going until the piece simply fell down from his hands and he found himself back in the kota, lying on the furs, watching the fire.

“He sends his thanks. He knows it was you…” Johanna said and covered him with a blanket. “Even spirits need rest… rest now…”


	10. Outburst

Elias woke up to the sound of Rolf's voice. He remained there, holding him, but had to actually open his eyes when his hand was moved by someone else.

In the dim light, he could see it was Jenny.

”Sorry... Didn't want to wake you up...”

”I swear, every time Rolf shifts or makes a sound, I wake up...” Elias said. Rolf had forced him to leave him every other day, knowing very well it made him agitated, but Elias had to admit, he had needed that. Reetta had been happy to get him ”home”, to help around in their new home and interact with children and eat properly. Of course, he had been granted sleep as long as he wanted.

Rolf's recovery was slow and during the weeks that had passed, he had been gradually able to stay awake longer and he was obviously in less pain. Wha the had spoken to Elias during these weeks though, was troubling him. He didn't understand and it was scaring him.

”Elias? Why don't you go get some fresh air? I can handle him alone.”

The brunette was hesitant, but the way she was pulling Rolf up to a sitting position, all by herself, spoke of experience. ”Seriously, Reetta asked me to kick you up for breakfast if you wake. Which you did.”

Rolf's giggle was cut off by a hiss when he moved too much. Elias was about to reach out, but Jenny gave him her trademark stern look and he finally got up to dress properly, ruffling Rolf's messy hair before leaving.

Reetta greeted him with a hug and a kiss.

”How's Rolf?” she asked, handing him the bowl of stew she had been cooling down.

”Sleeps better, still doesn't move much. You haven't visited him in a while...”

”I have been busy here, but I do bring him his food if Anette hasn't beaten me to it. She has pretty much adopted him.”

”Yeah. Can't blame her though. She lost her children and she used to take care of Rolf while he was recovering... Oh, hey Antti.”

”Top of the morning to ya,” the big man greeted and sat down next to Elias.

”Here's your portion, let me ask you, what was the story of the knife you gave to Rolf? He showed it to me the other day, he was really proud of it,” Reetta asked. Her working with the children and food had her sometimes unable to properly catch up.

”Oh, the Lapinpuukko? One of the Sámi men I knew. He brought me news of Johanna's passing, she lived just outside my usual route, I usually either pulled the stuff to her on a sled or the Sámi living nearby would take the stuff there... He just looked at him, a bit weird, then just gave it to him, saying he was gonna need it. Weird, but then again, the Sámi know more about people than we do. And Tuomas said he's gonna be a shaman, so... I'm willing to believe that.”

”You knew Johanna? We were there when she... passed. She had no food left, not a scrap...”

Tuomas joined them, confused. ”You knew Johanna?”

”Yes. We just... had to deviate from our path and found her cabin from in the middle of nowhere. She was starving and pregnant... overdue actually... She was so lonely, but she said she was relieved that we had come. I'm guessing... some higher power guided us there... Tuomas?” Reetta asked, seeing the odd look on Tuomas' face.

”She... was pregnant?”

”Yes... she... She bled out... Tuomas... How did you know her?”

”Tuomas and Johanna go way back, at least that's what I know...” Antti replied when stunned Tuomas remained silent.

”Hold on...” Reetta narrowed her eyes and Elias shifted uncomfortably, he knew that look.

”She wanted to marry me...”

”Start talking, Holopainen...”

Antti between them two, then looking at Elias. ”Um...”

”We... should move out of the line of fire...” Elias mumbled and the two scooted further down the bench.

”She was supposed to be my anchor, but she wasn't strong, obviously-”

”Are you saying women are weak? Listen up and listen up good. She lived out of human contact, heartbroken, isolated, pregnant with your child. She was starving and overdue. The baby died in her arms and she lasted until the next afternoon. She bled out. SHE LOVED YOU!”

”There was nothing-”

”NO STARVED WOMAN CAN SURVIVE CHILDBIRTH YOU MISOGYNIST BASTARD!” Reetta's voice almost echoed and many turned around from their chores. ”NO WOMAN IS TOO WEAK! THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY OF YOU WITHOUT US! YOUR MOTHER WOULD BE ASHAMED RIGHT NOW!”

Tuomas shied away, not looking at the raging woman, but her wrath was almost visible.

”Maybe she would have bled out anyway, but at least she would have had enough food and strength for the baby to survive. They both died. You would have your child with you... As a memory of a woman who loved you...” Reetta had tears in her eyes as she raised her hand, obviously about to slap Tuomas, who finally looked at her, but she let her hand drop. Few of the other women, mainly Tarja and Nitte, were staring at them, eyes wide. Tarja looked disappointed, while Nitte was obviously furious if her clenching hands were any indication.

”You are a shaman and you should know better... I thought you'd be wiser...”

Antti looked down, thoughtful, while Elias was staring at his wife and the shaman. He remembered that night. Johanna had barely had the strength to push, but he had seen the look in her eyes. She would deliver the baby, no matter what. And that was what she did. The baby had been thin and frail, barely moving or breathing.

”Are her parents alive?”

”If they are, they are further North. I don't know. She showed up to Nightwish settlement and I left to live further south with her, but... returned. 9 months before Rolf showed up...”

”You heartless bastard...” Reetta couldn't hold back her tears anymore. She spun on her heel, stomping back to their small hut, slamming the door hard enough to drop some fresh snow off. Elias looked down at his bowl, heaving a sigh. He had lost his appetite and gave remaining soup to Antti.

”Sorry... not hungry anymore... I was there... I saw it all... held her hand through it all...” he mumbled and left to console his wife. He felt guilty for spending so much time with Rolf.

”Reetta...”

”I can't believe he was so... heartless... She was gentle, but that is not a weakness...”

”Of course not...” he whispered and held her tight. ”I love you...”

”I love you too... Stay with me tonight... please...”

”Of course... I'm sorry, I've been just... so worried...”

”I understand... I've been worried about him as well... Is he recovering well and... gosh, I can't help but mother over him as well, but he already has to deal with others, so... I don't want to swamp him.”

”I know... Sounds like you woke the kids, let's go get them... And maybe go see Rolf with them? I heard he likes kids.”

”Why not...” Elias felt a little relieved to see a smile on her face. ”I'm still angry at Tuomas...”

”I understand. I think he's going to get a verbal lashing from Tarja or Nitte, or both.”

”I hope so... Gah, let's get the kids, as you said. I shouldn't have tainted her memory by yelling at him...”

”Shh....” he pressed a kiss on her forehead before they got up together and headed to the small side room, where the kids had been sleeping soundly before her outburst.

 


	11. "Father" & "Son"

Timo sat at the foot of Rolf's bed, playing one of the board games they had. It was painful, the game was the same he had played with his brothers and Rolf did share a resemblance with his brothers, the youngest in particular. He hadn't known what to say when Tony had made sure he went to see Rolf, but it had been after his legs had been set, so the boy had been exhausted and rather vacant, so he had ended up talking with Elias.

” _You're from the south as well?” Elias had asked after long moments of silence._

” _Yeah, just not as south as you... My family was forced to leave our home by the crater lake, Lappajärvi. So, my parents, me and my three little brothers trekked all the way up here... Then... There was an accident... The bridge gave out and we fell to the river. They only managed to pull me out and even my survival was... a close call... I ended up with Strato after few years,” Timo surprised himself by opening up to Elias, a fellow refugee like him._

” _Were you and Jani... together? As in a couple?” he had looked hesitant at asking it, but he could tell it was bothering him._

” _Yeah. It just... happened. I kinda came between him and Jenny, but she never stood a chance, according to Jani's mother. She treated my burn, I fell and my hand got burned, the infection that ensued nearly killed me... Then I ended up helping her to nurse Jani to full health... In the end, it was like a force of nature. Ironically, fire bound us together... and it was his element. He controlled it...”_

” _I thought he controlled the wind?”_

” _He chose that, but what I know, he wasn't... really good at it. He refused to... accept fire... He was afraid of it... Though... I saw him manipulate it once...”_

” _Sorry. I really shouldn't be asking you about him, but... I just... Tuomas said something about... anchors and I don't understand.”_

” _Ah... An anchor is... the person in the physical world, that keeps the shaman from getting lost in the Spirit World. Eases their pains... Calms their emotions... but they are also bound to each other... Unless the shaman finds the anchor bond's physical equivalent somewhere. It's not in this realm... That's what I know. Jani found it and broke it somehow, so... I wouldn't weaken and die with him...”_

” _So... if...”_

” _If you die, Rolf dies. If Rolf dies, you die. Unless either Rolf or another shaman can break the bond... It's... painful... It feels like... your head is splitting open...”_

” _...did Jani have blue eyes and red hair?” Rolf had croaked and startled them both._

” _Rolf? Did we wake you?” the brunette asked, worried, offering the boy some water._

” _...it's fine...”_

” _...yes... he did...” Timo had replied after Rolf had gotten more water._

” _I saw him...”_

” _What?” both of them had all but gaped at the boy._

” _The drum... he... took control of it... He... helped me...”_

” _Rolf? I don't understand...”_

” _...behind him... I saw someone... a woman... she was pretty... had dark red hair and... sad eyes...”_

” _Johanna?”_

” _Yeah... I think that was her name... They helped me... so I didn't feel pain...”_

” _It was amazing... at one point you were in so much pain you weren't making any sense... then you just... relaxed...”_

” _That's what even a regular drum can do in experienced hands... I never saw him use the drum, he never even touched it, but I know he... had heard a numbing or pain easing rhythm before...” the blond had finally dared to interrupt the two._

” _You are still hurting...”_

”You are still hurting...” Rolf said suddenly, bringing Timo out of his musings. ”He would watch over you if he could... I know he still loves you...”

”Like you love Elias...” Timo commented and watched Rolf flush a little.

”I feel a little... guilty... but...”

”He loves you both. You and his wife. Anchor bond is... I guess more for the souls, and his heart is hers to hold... He seems to be managing just fine, just don't drop the bomb to her face... Women can be volatile. Reetta blew to Tuomas of all people...”

”I remember hearing that... They all came to visit after that... She was like nothing happened... Timo... Why did you start to come here? I'm nothing to you. I remember... When I was in the cell... it was you who talked to me... and after that... you sat with me...”

”Yes. I could tell you just... clung to the nearest person to you, to confirm to yourself that you are in this world and not... gone.”

”I felt safe. Not the same way Elias made me later... When Elias wasn't here, you were... You reminded me... it's just... Fuck, why is this hard... Felt like my dad would have been there... You do some things almost like he did...”

Timo felt his heart clench at the boy's face. The grief-stricken look that flashed before it was gone, him taking a deep breath. Timo moved aside the game they had all but forgotten, Rolf was winning it with flying colors anyway, before shifting to sit next to him, letting the young man inch himself to a lean against him.

”I... I came here because Tuomas and Tony prompted me to... saying you needed a father-figure...”

”I know, just wanted to hear it from you. I heard them the other night. I hear things even in my sleep.”

Timo couldn't help but laugh. ”Nothing escapes you, you sly little-” he trailed off, when Rolf laughed, jostling his body eventually too much and leaving him gasping for air. The blond felt sad. Tuomas had said that despite his injuries healing, slowly but surely and his sheer determination to be able to move on his own and do most things healthy people did, he'd never have a painless day. He simply rearranged them so the slightly smaller blond was against his chest, held gently.

”...thanks...” Rolf had mumbled against his chest, feebly pushing off. ”Can you tell me a story again?”

”You better sleep... I've kept you up too long again... and yes, I'll tell you a story...”

 


	12. Two broken hearts

Jenny and Emppu were sitting in their small shared kota, quiet, just staring at the flames. Jani's body had been burned a few days back and they had been spending the time after that mostly either by themselves or, in Jenny's case, treating Mikko and occasionally, Rolf.

Emppu had recovered quite well from his concussion and had helped out where he could, despite being woozy and occasionally stumbling through the day. His smile had pretty much vanished, many of the Strato and Altaria expressing their worry over the loss of his bright nature.

Jenny, to some, seemed the same as before. Hiding her face behind the mask of indifference. She hadn't shed a tear, but if others had heard her anguished screams when Jani had died, they didn't comment on it. They let her mourn in peace, in her own way, but most of the women she had gotten to know, had let her know if she ever needed a shoulder or an ear, they'd be there.

She never acted on it.

”Jenny...”

”Yeah?”

”I... nevermind...”

She looked at him with sadness in her eyes. He had lost his best friend. He hadn't gotten time to get new friends yet. Everyone was still trying to cope with the sudden changes in their lives.

”Emppu... I know this is a lot to ask, but... Could you possibly... I need you. I physically -need- you...”

”Jenny...” Emppu sounded desperate but didn't make a move.

”Please...” she climbed to his lap. ”I know you need this too...”

”I'm not him...”

”And I'm not Tuuli... I know... just... Pretend... please...”

Their kisses were filled with desperation, their anguish, the need to unwind... The primal urge to feel something that drowns out the emotional pain. Not a single word was said, the tears fell unchecked.

Maybe they'd heal with time...

 


	13. RN Ch. 4: Every rock cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rolf in the Chapter 4 of Reckoning Night

”...Sorry Rolf, but one of them isn’t you. We need to hurry and you simply cannot keep up.”

I just nodded, turning away and yanking my arm off Timo's hold. It's a hard task to keep my emotions in check and hidden from the two and I bite my lip, limping away from them. I know I'm a cripple... but I don't need daily reminders of it. I can barely dress or get up and down the stairs, I can't bend my knees properly and my back muscles never healed...

I make it halfway towards the cabin I shared with them when Matias caught up with me.

”Rolf!”

”...what...” I try to keep my voice level and face hidden, but he rounds up in front of me.

”They didn't mean to hurt your feelings, you know...”

”...they do it daily, one way or the other. There's always somebody to remind me somehow of what I can do and what I can't do. I'm used to it...” I grumble, staring the trampled snow between our feet.

”Rolf...”

”Leave me alone, please... I wish to be alone for a while...” I try in vain to hold back my tears, few of them escaping despite everything I do. ”I don't want anyone's pity...”

”It's not pity-”

”No... Please... just go...” I say through my gritted teeth, I've been treated like I'm made of glass since I finally stepped outside the sick-ward with my own two feet. I try not to shudder at the memory, the agony that had shot up my legs when I finally got my weight on them... My thighs screaming bloody murder at me... The burn when I was trying to stretch my back...

The pain that wouldn't go away.

I feel Matias try to pull me into a hug, but I quickly shove his arms off and try to take steps back, something my legs never cooperate with well.

”I said... leave me... alone...”

I'm already dead tired, when I finally drag my feet to the makeshift cemetery, the memorial stones with the ashes buried underneath the snow as deep as they could dig. There's no grave like this for my parents... I don't remember my father's voice or my mother's smile anymore. Tuomas always says their spirits have moved on.

I lower myself on the bench, biting back a sound at the jolts of pain. I stare the two headstones before me. The two people whose names I know. Jani's voice and eyes often haunted me while I was healing, but how he helped me made me wish I had known him in life. He had taught me few things, told me secrets he never told Tony...

” _Rolf? I don't have much time... Each shaman has an anchor at some point in their life, some for a lifetime, some not... The anchor and the shaman share a bond, that manifests into a physical object we call Seita. Shape and size vary and they can be only found in Limbo, the world between Spirit World and the world of the living. Only there can they be broken. I found yours... the Seita you share with Elias. I left it in the safest place I know... If you ever need it...”_

I wrote those words down in my diary, Tarja had gifted me that once I turned 25... I'm 26 and I feel like I've lived many lifetimes...

Mikko was another person I never really grew to know but would have wanted... He gave his life to protect me... They had said he had been frantic and unable to speak, barely comprehending the world around him. Once Tony had brought him to see me, he calmed down. He had remembered me and worried for me... Then he had closed off, only sometimes remembering faces and greeting us with his silent words and clumsy hugs.

”I'm sorry you both had to die...” I whisper. If Mikko hadn't protected me and gotten hurt, Jani would have lived maybe a day longer and Timo could have said his goodbyes to him instead of a dead body... And Mikko would still be alive... I know it's foolish to think this way, but I... I sometimes can't help it. I sigh and try to get up, only to fall back down onto the bench. The cold has stiffened me up and my legs won't work.

It's the last straw and I give up, starting to sob, ignoring the strain I can feel in my back, just letting out the frustration. I can feel spirits reaching out faintly, but they vanish as quickly as they came. I'm alone.

”Why... why you had to push me out of the house...” I ask despite I know I will not get an answer.

I don't know how long I've been there, but I suddenly become aware of someone approaching, someone, whose footsteps I don't know, but I can sense him... An anchor?

”Hey, you ok? This ain't a place to sleep...” I hear a vaguely familiar voice say and my hood is pushed aside. I wince at the bright light.

”Rolf? Is that you?”

I've heard your voice before.

”It's me, Pyry...”

I open my eyes to see a familiar face and red curls. Yeah, I remember him. He was in the Nightwish camp... He was one of the messengers. Anton apparently had vanished.

”Come on, get up. You'll catch a cold here...” He practically hugs me and hauls me up, not knowing of my injuries. ”God, it's great to see you! Sorry, I haven't talked to you in years, you were so mad at Anton that we all just... backed off... Rolf?”

I can barely hear him, my legs and back are like on fire, blood pounding in my ears and my eyes blur.

”Shit, did I hurt you?”

For once, when somebody treated me like a normal person, I thought I was going to either faint or puke from the agony. I try to reply but it comes back as a sob and my legs give out, sending me tumbling into him. He catches me and that sends another wave of pain.

”Stop... please, stop... don't touch me... back... legs...” I sound pathetic, but he seems to understand, he backs off, keeping a hold of my arms and allows me to lean against his. ”Don't... touch me...”

”I'm sorry, were you hurt somehow?”

”They broke his knees and whipped the skin off his back, Pyry, let him catch his breath...”

Anette is my saving angel, once again. I look up at Pyry and see the worry in his eyes turn from horror to pity and my heart just sinks. Not again...

”Rolf, Elias has been looking for you with me, Tarja and Lauri. They left two hours ago. Timo, Matias and Marko with them...”

I draw a deep breath, catching a hold of my emotions and pulling them in, imagining I'm trampling the ground to a solid path.

”Pyry, I think you can let go...”

He does what Anette asks him to and I brace myself for the onslaught of pain. It follows a minute late. I start walking up the path, slightly off the trail to keep myself on the less slippery spots, shoving their attempts of helping me away, not talking to them. I can sense Pyry stopping after the third shove, but Anette keeps following me.

”Rolf... you know... I'm not your mother, but... if you ever want to talk, to unload your heart... You know my door will always open to you. Even in the middle of the night.”

”...I know...” I reply, feeling guilty for snapping at her, she hasn't been pushy and trying to install herself as my mother, she knows I remember my mother and doesn't want to impose, but... I actually stop, feeling my muscles throb and head feel fuzzy. I let her hug me and actually hug her back, feeling a little bit better.

”You're like a son to me, please, keep smiling. You're alive and you have caring people around you...”

  


That night, Elias sought me out from the cabin I was in, trying to add more wood to the fire, nearly burning my hand in the process. His help wasn't from pity... it was from caring, that was something I've known since... since that first night... I tremble at the force of the memory and he comes up behind me, holding me gently and kissing my neck.

”...I need to feel it again...” I whisper to him and he leads me to bed, smiling and easing my pain. I can breathe again...

 


	14. Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place around chapter 2 of Reckoning Night.

Reetta sat down on the bed, having checked on Salla and Toivo. She was shaking, from the mixture of cold, shock and... arousal.

”Ok... calm down... You knew there was something like this going on...” she told herself to calm her heart. She had been taking food to the people they hadn't seen come by at dinner time, one them included Rolf. The young apprentice had apparently been upset of the exclusion and they had searched for him a while before Anette had told them she had sent him off to the cabin to rest and warm up. Elias had helped her calm the kids finally to bed and said he'd go help Rolf out since he was alone in the cabin.

She had been about to knock on the door, when she had heard a moan, making her backtrack and peek through the window. She had expected Elias to help out the boy release some pressure actually, the way he looked at the young man was similar to the looks he gave her, just slightly different. She also had guessed that finding anything to enjoy a life of pain and hardships wouldn’t be easy for Rolf. Now, seeing this through the window, her husband pleasuring the young blond… This had been going on for a while now apparently... Part of her felt hurt that they hadn't told her, but the other part was getting aroused from the sounds she heard through the window. She had bolted back home to calm down.

 

Elias moaned at Rolf's words, his pleas to make him feel better, to let him feel his touch... He never could deny the blond of anything. Especially now, when he was almost tearing up, clinging to him. He kissed his neck, finding the spot that always made him mewl and pushed his hands to the loose trousers, warm palms gliding over the cool-skinned ass. When Rolf's knees almost buckled, he quickly pulled them to the seat made out of a whole tree stump, settling the blond to sit over his spread legs, leaning back himself, avoiding touching the clothed back, snaking his hand back to his pants, finding the younger half hard already.

”...you're always so responsive... you want it so badly, don't you...”

”...ah... yes... Elias... please...” he whispered as a response.

At the touch of his hand, Rolf moaned quietly, slowly rocking himself into his touch, forgetting his pain for a moment. Elias pressed kisses along his neck, stroking him at a steady pace, teasing the tip, making the blond-haired shaman whimper and press back against him. After a while, Elias withdrew his hand, helping the younger man back to his feet despite his protests, pulling his pants down as he did that. The brunette shed his own clothing once Rolf was securely leaning against the wooden post for a moment, before coming to kiss him again. He pulled the smaller man up, hands at the backs of his thighs, making Rolf press up, chest to chest, the slim arms around his neck.

”Rolf... I love you...” Elias mumbled into the kiss, moving towards the bed, settling Rolf down on his lap, minding his legs. He winced when the blond hissed at the jostle, but he figured he was forgiven, when he received a hungry kiss, tongue demanding entrance he always gladly granted.

Wrapping his hand around the erection between them, he drew familiar, soft moans with every slow stroke, reducing the younger man to a quivering mess on his lap again, biting back his own moan as Rolf moved his hips, running hands along his skin. He listened to Rolf's moans and whimpers, harsh gasps for air, frowning slightly at the rattling he heard in his breath, but forgot it when a familiar, slender hand joined his. He remembered that first time… Rolf had made him pass out almost.

“Please…  Elias please…” the younger begged, hand coming up to Elias’ neck.

“What do you want me to do?” he whispered back.

“Please… I need to feel you again… Please…” the unshed tears he saw nearly broke his heart. It had been a rough day for him apparently and Elias knew only he could calm him down again. With one more kiss, he pushed Rolf away from him, helping him onto the bed, knowing he would rather he didn’t help.

When his hand made contact with the scarred skin of the pale back before him, Rolf froze for a while, before he let Elias press him down to the bedding, let him kiss gently at the scars, let him run his hand along his sides, thighs, buttocks…

Rolf’s moans were muffled by his pillow when Elias eventually finished stretching him and gently slid his cock in. He was a little saddened that the younger hid his face, but smiled when the pillow was pulled down to his chest, revealing the flushed face. The gentle pace he kept had Rolf on edge still rather soon and after his thrusts gained more speed and force, his voice picked up the volume, he was clawing at the bedding, moaning and gasping for air.

The tight, scorching heat was his undoing after Rolf came, body spasming, almost screaming his name, he gave few harsh thrusts that he knew would most likely hurt, but he couldn’t help it, he just had to do it. Groaning, he finally came, drawing a breathless whimper out of Rolf beneath him.

“…Elias…”

“Shh… rest… ok?” he panted, staying there for a while, gathering himself, holding on despite his trembling limbs. He pulled out gently after he could trust himself not to fall on Rolf, getting supplies to clean themselves up. Helping nearly asleep Rolf to even some clothes was hard, he was much less cooperative now. He spent a moment carefully rubbing the ever-aching knees, inwardly crying at how wrong they felt under his hands.

“I gotta head back. I’ll add some wood to the fire before I leave… I can ask somebody to stay with you…” he spoke gently, wiping back the sweaty bangs from the grey-blue eyes, frowning at the heat radiating off the younger man, but figured he was still rather heated up.

“…I just… want to… belong somewhere…” Rolf mumbled and closed his eyes when Elias wiped the escaping tears from his cheek.

“You belong here. You belong with us. With me… Get some sleep… You’ve had a rough day…”

When Elias had dressed and left with one last kiss, the blond rolled over and stared the ceiling for a long while, tears running down his face.

“…stop showing me this… just stop...”


	15. Everything has a purpose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Backtracking a bit to post-WHG

Tommy sat at Mikko’s bedside, like he usually did, staying there for some hours, talking this and that the children had been up to, hoping Mikko could hear him. The medic had been in and out of consciousness for days and neither Tuomas or Jenny, surprisingly adept medic herself, hadn’t given him much hope. Only things they had managed to glean from his brief bouts of awareness, were that he couldn’t talk. He seemed to panic every time he realized he couldn’t speak and would fret himself into exhaustion, having to be held down.

He had learned one more thing, that broke his heart even worse than this. He had overheard Jenny and Tuomas talking the other day while they had been outside the sick ward, Tommy had stopped when he had heard them mention Mikko and then Jani.

If Mikko had gone through what he had planned initially as Jani’s treatment when he was brought in, Jani might have had a slight chance of survival. Only slight, but that would have possibly delayed their escape from Wolf Range. Jenny had talked about Jani’s seemingly irrational fear of fire, his own element, the fear that prevented him from going near his parents again unless it was the direst of situations.  She had known from the moment she had seen the wound and after seeing the look on Mikko’s face. She couldn’t tell him. Tuomas had agreed, Jani’s chances went down the drain upon the medic’s hesitation and Tommy had simply felt sick.

He jumped when the door opened, Tuomas coming in, brushing snow off his hood before lowering it and taking the parka off.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. How is he?”

“Hasn’t awoken today. What happened yesterday, I heard he was… more agitated than usual?”

“He had a better moment, he recognized Tony and Henkka, then… freaked out, to put it this way. We had to ask him a lot of questions to figure out what it was, he still knows how to indicate yes or no. He somehow knew Jani was dead,” Tuomas put another log to the fire, watching flames start licking the piece of pine, missing the pained look on Tommy’s face. “But it was Tony who put two and two together. Mikko was worried about Rolf. He remembered him. He kept touching his head, then act as if he was holding something. No matter what we said, he was restless. Finally, we dared to move him and carry him to see Rolf briefly. That calmed him down and some hours later, he was out again. Jenny is taking over looking after him now, she is a capable healer. I need to focus on Rolf…”

“Tuomas…” Tommy was about to ask him about the conversation he had heard earlier, but shuffling from his right brought his attention to Mikko. The dark eyes were open, moved a bit but empty.

“Is he in pain?” Tommy asked instead, knowing he’d get no answer out of the other.

“No… and I think I know why…” Tuomas replied slowly, eyes narrowing and fixed on the spot just on the other side of the bed. “It’s Jani… He repeatedly pulls Mikko to Spirit World to let him escape his pain, to heal his spirit…”

“Um… I’m not quite sure do I understand, but…”

“From what I’ve gathered, Jani died the exact moment the debris hit Mikko in the head. Shaman isn’t necessarily killed if the anchor, the person who they are connected with in spirit, dies. He has brain damage. He lost his mental capacity and thus, Jani lost the sole thing he was using to cling to life with. His bond with Timo could have kept him alive longer, but… We would be in a darker situation if he hadn’t protected Rolf…” Tuomas looked tired as he handed Tommy a cup of water to try to have Mikko drink something.

“What do you mean? I’m just… so confused with all this…”

“Too many shamans are dead. There are 5 Grand Masters, there always needs to be 5 who complete a circle, so far, I know that two, me included, are alive… Tony is promising, Rolf shows potential, they need training, years of it. Jani’s passing is a hard blow, but we can only pray to powers above, that his twin is alive.”

“Jani had a twin?”

“Yes… They were separated at birth, from what I remember hearing, their mother saw recurring nightmares of them both die if they were together, so by separating them… At least one of them would survive…”

Tommy’s head spun. He shook it and focused on getting at least some drops of water down Mikko’s throat or the poor man would die of thirst.

“I apologize, I shouldn’t confuse you, I need rest myself. I sense so many restless spirits that are hard to get long hours of sleep. Something is troubling you… Everything has a meaning; everyone has a purpose…” Tuomas rubbed his eyes with one hand and patted his shoulder with the other.

“I heard you and Jenny… about Jani. I just… feel so bad that he had to-“

“Like I said, everything, in the end, no matter how hard, has a meaning. He’s more help through the Spirit World with his parents that even I can understand. I can feel his family’s influence everywhere… It’s hard to explain. I’ll stay with Mikko until Emppu gets here, you go play with your children and hold your wife.”

Tommy hesitated, filled with questions. He figured this was how Tony felt with everything going on and being confused.

“Yeah… I guess so. I just…”

“We are all humans, we all have a capacity of compassion, but we are also imperfect, we make mistakes. Go. Enjoy the family you have.”

He looked back at Tuomas’ words, confused. “For whomever, you lost… I’m sorry…” he said quietly, making the shaman just nod.


	16. Wolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://ko-fi.com/artsbydkuza  
> If you likey, drop a cuppa.

_Wolves, wolves everywhere, howling, circling him. They all had different eyes. The wind was blowing from all directions and he could barely stand... What was going on?!_

_Then he looked into the reddish-brown wolf's eyes and saw the familiar shade of sky blue._

“ _...impossible...”_

Tony sat up suddenly, startling Marko, with whom he had been housed in a small kota.

“Heck, you scared me. ...you ok?” the younger man had asked as he was poking the logs in the fireplace.

“I... I saw... Wolves. A lot of them. A whole pack... They were circling me and... the wind was crazy... God, Why can't I get a good night's sleep unless I'm tired to the bone...” he muttered the rest, exhausted. He hadn't been overly tired from yesterday, just talked with Marko until he was getting drowsy. That's when they started plaguing him. Wolves. Wind. Eyes...

“So... you see nightmares too. I'm getting fed up with wolves in my dreams...”

Tony couldn't say it out loud, these dreams were so different from the nightmares he saw after Outi and Lotta had died... These dreams, he had a feeling the wolves were a sign or just... trying to tell him something.

The blue eyes. He had seen only one person with that shade.

“Oh god... I...”

“What is it, Tony?” Marko prompted, now coming to sit next to him.

“One of the wolves... had Jani's eyes...”

“But... I...?” the other frowned.

“I don't understand...” He looked down at the hand he'd have the Sudenmieli eventually outlined in the skin. The few of Jani's wolves lingering had started lingering near him whenever he had gone further from the centerfires, often helping him to find better footholds or bring him some small animals like rabbits. Emppu had been one to explain to him that the wolves did that to them too, bringing them to Jani or few people closest to him.

“One of the wolves brought me rabbits... Maybe... I should have the Sudenmieli already, I don't know... Tuomas still has a lot to teach, now that Rolf is doing a lot better.”

“How is he, you could barely recognize him as living when we found them?”

“He can sit up on his own but refuses to walk yet. Can't blame him. I have nightmares from the sound of bones...” Tony felt a little sick remembering that. Luckily Rolf hadn't been in pain, but the look on his face told it hadn't been pleasant either.

“Sounds gross.”

“It was. Once he can move on his own, Tuomas said we three would start living in the same cottage. So you need to find a new one to wake you up.”

“Very funny...” Marko snorted.

“How are you holding up otherwise?”

“Well... it still hurts like hell, but... I like it here better... You can open your door and feel safe, no need to worry will a wolf be waiting behind your door to bite you in the nuts.”

“...that's a one way to see a bright side...” Tony didn't know should he laugh or no, eventually choosing the former.

“Is Mikko still...”

“Like he is? Jenny said he can do basic things on his own, but he needs constantly be watched, he might forget what he's been doing or that he should return somewhere. I've been talking to Emppu and Jenny a lot, there's not much to talk about with Mikko.”

“Yeah... I... I haven't had the guts to go see him. I kinda wanna, you know, remember him as he was.”

“He might remember you. He seems to remember familiar faces. He hugs the rest of us from Wolf Range. And when he's taken to see Rolf, him too. It's like... 15 minutes of him smiling and trying to talk, then he just... stares.”

He didn't want to mention to Marko, that most of the time when Jenny wasn't at touching range, he could feel Jani's presence hovering by. Jani was helping him to recover, at least in some way. He sometimes let himself slip into a trance and see the redhead there.

Marko just patted him on the knee and got up. “I'm gonna get us some food, I can smell reindeer meat all the way here. Can't let that go to waste.”

“I'll be here... I think I gotta meditate a bit.”

The other just shrugged and left, shrugging on his parka, boots barely on his feet, leaving Tony to draw calming breaths.

It didn't take long for Jani to grasp him and turn the inside of the kota to a lush forest.

“Tony...”

“Why the wolves, Jani? Why?”

“They are close to you somehow. You've liked them before.”

“Yeah. Until they killed my wife.”

“You don't know starvation... Even your best friend starts looking delicious...”

“Jani, that's disgusting.”

“Was that all you wanted to know?”

“Yeah... why the wolves. I can't sleep.”

Jani heaved a sigh, leaning against a birch, picking at the low hanging branch, pulling a leaf off. “They chose you. They want you to lead them. You have rune bones out of wolf bones. I know you kept a few after the explosion.”

Tony bristled. “I-”

“Listen to their howls tonight. You'll know more eventually... They won't harm you. They never bit you. They bit me and I'm- well, forget about me...” Jani shuddered and covered his other arm, where Tony knew an old burn scar located. Two crescent shapes. Just as the redhead pushed him back, he realized that the marks were from a wolf bite and the wounds had been burned out. His head reeled and forest faded out.

 


	17. Sauna relaxation and revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after the end of Reckoning Night, after Rolf has healed.  
> http://other-atmospheres.ambient-mixer.com/sauna-in-the-north  
> Ambient background for it!

Rolf was shifting uneasily under Jyrki's gentle prodding at his chest wound from earlier. The sauna was a rare treat for everyone since it took more firewood and more water, but it was something so deeply ingrained in their culture, they had to get there at least once a month. Rolf hadn't been there often, few times in Nightwish camp and despite having been in Rovaniemi over 3 years now, only once. He had been too sick often to go and last time he had been there, his cold had gotten worse and he had fainted the next day at Elias' house.

The older shaman just nodded, hobbling backward a bit on his injured leg. “I think you can go. You're healed pretty well. The warmth should do good to your knees though.”

Rolf just nodded. He looked down at his scarred arms and legs, not looking forward the fact others would see his back. He had been hesitant the first time around and luckily had only gotten Elias' family as company. This time, the sauna was rather full, from the sounds of it. Jyrki tossed the remainder of his clothes to a bag he had with him, looking then back at Rolf, who hadn't moved an inch.

“Rolf... You've survived worse... It's just sauna, everyone is just kicking back and relaxing... Go sit by your friends...” Jyrki was less patient than Tuomas, often making Tony obey without problems, but causing Rolf to bristle sometimes. The small blond just sighed and worked the rest of his clothes off, before grabbing the cane he had and pushing himself up with it. The heat radiating from the sauna room was luckily making his knees ache less, something he always relished. Abandoning the cane at his spot, he slowly limped towards the sauna room, looking up just enough to see where he was going.

Jyrki shook his head. From what Tony had told, Rolf had been more independent and smiled more when he had been anchored, but now, without an anchor, he was more subdued and stuck to the few friends he had, mainly Timo, Emppu and Noora's anchor Pyry, avoiding Tony and Elias like the plague.

The hot steam hit them in the face harsh, when Rolf opened the door, the quiet chatting not silencing or pausing, making the younger obviously more relaxed. Jyrki watched him limp towards the lower seats where Emppu was sitting, smiling at him widely. He himself climbed higher, next to Tony and Elias, who were looking at Rolf. They were further away and closer to the stove, where Jens had just added more wood, eliciting a comment from Marko, earning a good round of laughter.

“His wound was good off?” Elias asked as soon as Jyrki sat down, making sure Rolf didn't hear. The young shaman didn't like others talking of him like he wasn't present, that was something the Grand Master had learned very quickly from the glares.

“Yeah, he's fine... You two should talk...”

“What there is to talk? He just... cut everything off, told me to go and not to come to him...”

Before Jyrki could say anything, Timo, who had been sitting the level lower, separate from his friends for reasons of his own apparently, turned slightly to look at Elias.

“You don't understand how it feels... to cut off the bond... You feel pain and you feel empty. Like there's something big missing...”

“I know I don't feel it like... you did...”

“You have a family, focus on it and let him heal on his own... He'll re-anchor eventually, he knows he has to... When it happens, it happens. It's not like he doesn't care about you...” Timo muttered and looked at Rolf, who had snorted at Emppu making fun of Jens and getting doused by rather hot water.

Rolf on the other hand, despite the ambient noise, had heard everything, just tried to focus on Emppu's impression on Jens, earning a ladle-full of water tossed at him. He remembered. How could he forget, his head ached from the simple memory. He gave half a smile at Pyry and Noora, who came in, the young woman not caring if she was the third woman there, besides Tarja and Nitte, who were talking quietly in the upper-level corner. Noora clambered to sit near Tony and Pyry sat down next to Rolf, getting her cold feet propped up against his shoulders.

“Seriously, woman!”

“Shut up, footstool.”

“Your relationship, in a nutshell, I assume?” Rolf asked, getting laughter from all three others.

“You could say so. Damn her feet are cold!”

“And you are nice and toasty warm. You may proceed.”

Rolf shook his head, Noora was quite a presence and the lessons Jyrki held were never boring, she made sure of that. He jumped, then bit back a groan, when Tony suddenly nudged him from the back, having bumped him to the only place on his shoulder unscarred.

“Sorry... Look, Rolf. I wanted to apologize to you. For... yelling at you and... I'm really sorry... I... I was an asshole.”

“It's... It's fine. I guess. I... I was scared...”

“And I also wanted to thank you. For helping me. With the mini-earthquake and showing how to locate the seita poles... You saved us all in the end.”

Rolf lowered his head, shaking it. “Don't thank me... I did nothing.”

“You sacrificed your own safety by breaking the Seita binding you and Elias. I'd be curious to hear how” Jyrki brought it up and the young blond seemed to deflate further.

“It was... Jani... He told me... he found it and he said... he left it in the safest place he knew. Then I figured out that... where else he'd feel safe, but home. I just... I was in pain... and I saw it there... the glyph glowing through the dirt... I... I saw a stone forming in my hand and I just... broke it... I knew I had no right to drag him to his death if I couldn't hold on... My head hurt so bad... I thought I'd throw up, wanted to scream... Then...”

“After the pain came the emptiness within...” Timo said quietly, not looking at any of them, just staring at the stove, left arm cradled by his chest.

“...yes... and I... The Seita... I saw them all, I saw the landscape... differently. It moved and at times it didn't move...”

“Was it red?” Tony asked. “I saw Limbo red.”

“No... It was... colorless... distorted... Like... like spiderwebs I saw in books.”

“Each shaman sees Limbo differently. Not all can enter it, you two and Jani, that makes three that I know for sure having been in there, two others being dead... I hate to think it was partially my doing, but I didn't think... I'd be a suitable teacher so soon after being made Grand Master...” Jyrki's voice faded to uncharacteristic mumble.

“They were warped already... I could sense their hunger for power... They underestimated us...”

“They underestimated you... I underestimated you. Tuomas too... Noora and Rolf showed extraordinary strength, refusing to go down despite their injuries, hanging on to life with all you got. But you, Tony... That was... You are extraordinary. I knew the late Grand-Masters personally... Tähti and Mielikki were... class of their own, masters of healing and reading people... I have stored most of the old lore and I know the Sámi hold the rest. We are just... waiting for them to call upon the Great Meeting again...”

“Great Meeting?” Noora asked eyebrows about at her hairline. “You never told much about it.”

“I was there, that was where I first met Tuomas. He was brought there by the Sámi. All the old Grand Masters were there and the next generation. Tuomas and I were the only born south, Mielikki and Toivo Liimatainen were there with Jani, who was a tiny snotty nosed runt, Tähti and Tapani Koskinen were there as well, with their son Risto and Jani's twin sister they were raising. I think that was the only time after birth that they saw their daughter or the twins saw each other. The Kurkela family was there, they had spirit beacons running down their line and Johanna was the brightest of them... Koivunen family...

Juha and Mikko were there too, they were young, about Jani's age I think... They were Kurkela family's side branch members...” Jyrki gave a sad sigh and leaned back, brushing his black hair off his face.

“Why I'm... gonna be a shaman? I don't have anything like that in my family... I think... Though I never asked...” Rolf's voice trailed off, but he didn't see the smile on Jyrki's face.

“Some are chosen. Tuomas was chosen. I was chosen. You were chosen. By deities, higher powers, whatever you wish to call it. We all might have what is called clairvoyants in our family somewhere.”

“Jenny's family had few...” Emppu said suddenly, eyes growing sad at the mention of his friend and... former girlfriend.

“What was her last name?” Jyrki asked.

“Anderssen.”

“Ah. The family of healers, spirit sensitive and anchors. I've heard of them. As you probably know, Jani's parents were both from the line of powerful shamans, Koskinen too... The Anderssen and Kurkela were what you could call anchor families, they had the strongest anchors...”

“What about me?” Tony asked. “I know my grandmother had a book about Sudenmieli and wolves and-” he paused, eyes wide, making Jyrki grin.

“Kakko family were scattered and far and few, but the Liimatainen family spoke of Heljä with amazement. The Sámi know better of your family than I do. I just speak hearsay.”

“Now what we do?” Noora asked after a long silence, everyone musing what they heard.

“We just need to wait for the Sámi to return... I think they will... once the circle is complete and balance is back. Now that Rolf is officially healed from the stab wound and Noora too, my poor old knee takes a while, we can hurry up and finish. She knows we are almost ready.”

“Who?” Tony asked, head reeling.

“You'll see,” Jyrki's response was cryptic.

 


	18. Peabrains and splashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bros.

“All that shamanistic mumbo jumbo is making my brain melt...” Emppu complained after a while and he earned a few protesting sounds from that. Tony frowned, looking at Jyrki, who simply stared at Emppu for a bit until just hmphing and leaning back. Timo was shaking his head and he saw Rolf and Pyry share a look.

“That's easy to see, but it's a shame to lose the tiny pea you have as a brain...” Rolf muttered and everyone went silent.

Emppu turned to look at the other short man with wide eyes. “...what?! Was that a dis?”

Jens was the first one to burst into laughter, closely followed by Noora and Pyry.

“Oh god! Peabrain! That was golden!” Noora chortled, rather unladylike, nearly falling sideways off the bench, Pyry at her feet holding his sides with laughter.

“You should see your face!” Pyry wheezed and Jyrki had to grab his shoulder to prevent him from dropping completely.

“Damn, son! That is a savage sense of humor you got there!” Jens called and even Timo was holding back a smile at Emppu's bugging eyes and slack jaw. Rolf, however, was rather collected but had a slight grin on his face.

“Fuck this, I'm out...” Emppu managed to gather his wits. “You keep your fancy voodoo-club...” he brushed past Rolf and Pyry, getting to the door. He barely managed to grab a hold of the handle, when he got slapped on the ass, making him nearly jump through the door. “Oh come ON! You better romance me before going to the kinky shit!” he squealed and bailed the sauna, followed by laughter.

“Like we would!” Pyry yelled after him and Rolf finally burst into laughter. “Come on, I think we better go wash up too, bug him more!” he suggested and tugged Rolf's arm. The young shaman apprentice followed in much slower pace, but many took notice, the limp was almost gone and his movements weren't as careful or stiff.

Though, as soon as Pyry opened the door, he got a bucket full of cold water tossed on him and partially on Rolf as well.

“Holy shit EMPPU! IT'S COLD!” the taller one shouted and stood there, shocked. Rolf had stumbled back a few steps and rubbed the water out of his eyes.

“I know. It was kinda the point. Noora's gonna lament that shrivel-”

“Oh, why I oughta-!” Pyry dashed to the washing room and Rolf snorted as he followed, closing the door. The others inside were left to stunned silence, until Noora just started to giggle to herself. They could hear the loud duo bickering and enjoyed the entertainment for the night.

“Dude! It was cold!”

“Are you still whining about that?”

“Duh.”

“You're the footstool.”

“Says the midget.”

“You have curls like a girl!”

“Jealous?”

“Hell no, I'm the best looking here!”

“Sorry, but the top sexiest blond here is Rolf, hands down.”

“What?”

“What?!”

“WHAAAAAAT?!” Noora shouted at them, making Pyry crack open the door once again.

“Guy, honey. Sexiest blond guy.”

“You're forgiven, now close the door, heat's escaping...” Noora scoffed.

“Yes, your majesty.”

“Dude, you're so on a leash.”

“You need a muzzle, you never shut up.”

“Did you really mean it?” they heard Rolf ask.

“Yeah. I did mean that. I don't swing into guys, but you gotta pretty face.”

“I... don't know how to respond to that.”

“A thank you would suffice.”

“Are you good at bed?”

There was a huge splash after Emppu's inquiry and a lot of sputtering from him afterward.

“Great, now there's soap in my eyes!”

“He whines like a little kid. He probs never grew up since he was, what? 10?”

“Fuck it, Curly.”

“You need to get laid...” Rolf commented soon and a long silence ensued.

“Is that an offer?” Emppu's voice clearly held a grin and Timo resisted the urge to facepalm. Emppu and his potty mouth were near legend within Strato.

“You ain't manly enough for him.”

There was a sound of something dropping and they heard two snorts.

“And you think you are?”

“Oh boy...”

“What? Looking at Rolf's previou-”

Once again, a splash.

“...really Rolf? Soap water?”

Elias was red at the face, not looking at anybody, but to his luck, most were just listening and laughing at their antics.

“I thought if I can't clear those minds of yours, I could at least clean your mouths.”

A door was opened on the other end and the soaked trio looked up, seeing Lauri finally emerge from his mourning isolation and join people to the traditional Finnish practice of sauna. He stopped to stare at the trio who were staring at him.

“I could hear you three few hundred meters away, you know...”

“Figured as much...” Rolf was the first to respond.

“I reckon there's room for one more in the sauna?”

Timo at this point had gotten enough and came to check how much damage the boys had done. “Plenty. Boys, really... We need more water soon at this rate, wash up and continue that elsewhere, though it has been highly entertaining...”

“Rovaniemi Court Jesters, at your service!” Emppu did a flamboyant bow, making the others share looks before Rolf just put the long empty bucket on the other's head.

“Sorry, best hat in the house...” he rinsed himself off, relishing the feel of being pain-free. When on his way to his towel and clothes, he passed Lauri, who was heading to the sauna, he paused for a moment. Rolf glanced behind quickly and so did the tall man.

“I can stop by if you wanna talk....” he offered quietly, receiving a nod from Lauri after a brief moment.

“Sure... I know Timo's tired of the same old topics we have plowed through hundreds of times,” he replied after glancing at the older man quietly berating Emppu. He had only shrugged and stole back the soap from the short man.

“I'll get there in few hours, I think I'll do some meditating now that I'm not in pain...”

Lauri just nodded and headed for the sauna, leaving the four men to their own businesses.

The bickering duo didn't see the look Timo gave to Rolf nor how the shaman just shrugged as a response.

 


	19. T&T

Tony had been back for a while, head almost aching from thinking so much. He was now sitting in the shaman cabin as they dubbed it, by the fireplace, drinking water. Jyrki had chosen to stay in a small goahti in his own solitude, so it was now just Tony and on the other side of the bedspread, Rolf. The blond had obviously been there before he came there, his clothes had been rummaged and the side of his bed rumpled. His crutch was still there, though.

He gave a rueful smile. Rolf obviously had good days and bad days and a bad day had obviously turned to a good day. He knew he had broken his promise of being one of the supports the younger needed and he wanted to get final clarity to his mind, why had he acted so viciously towards him and Rolf had done nothing wrong, instead, helped him by risking his own life.

A knock on the door made him look up. He called out and was surprised to see Timo shuffling in.

“I hope you don't mind...”

“It's fine. We... we should talk anyway.”

“Yeah... I brought some food...” he held up the basket. Tony simply nodded and pulled more reindeer skins to the floor to make a seat for the older man. Timo did settle next to him and they dug into the contents of the basket, what little bread they could make with their limited supplies and some jerky. It was better than nothing and they ate for a while in silence.

“What happened to your hand?” Tony asked, noticing the faint marks when Timo had on his hand while he reached past him to get some water for himself.

“An accident. Fell and my hand got caught in the fireplace. It got infected really fast and I don't remember much. I was taken to Jani's mother, Mielikki Liimatainen. She managed to stop the infection from doing any more damage... In exchange, Jani went to Strato-camp. He was brought back, sick with chest-cold, once again...” Timo was lost in his memories, staring first at his hand, flexing it, before focusing on the fire.

“Healed well.”

“Yeah... I... I didn't want to become a burden. I understand how Rolf feels. He tries his best not to be a burden. He doesn't ask for help unless he absolutely can't do something by himself...”

“I know... You two seem really close.”

“He's... he's like my little brother... or the son I never had.”

Tony smiled at Timo's slight smile and took a bite.

“About our... anchor bond...”

“...what of it...” Timo's mood seemed to darken and Tony felt bad for asking him in the first place.

“I don't... feel you, in a sense.”

The older heaved a sigh. “I block it. It's a skill you gotta learn. I learned to keep my emotions in check or I set Jani to a panic mode and in turn, he'd set me off...”

“Does my feelings bother you? I... I don't want to cause you any trouble.”

“I block you out as best as I can. You're... you're... A whirlwind of emotions sometimes, much like Jani and that is almost overwhelming at first. You think so much and your feelings are so jumbled and you are confused with yourself and everything around you. You need to find your peace of mind.” _'For my sake...'_ he had wanted to add but thought better of it. Tony was staring at him, eyes wide.

“What about... when... we were up against Juha and Mikko, did... did I put a strain on you?” Tony asked cautiously. He could guess the answer, the way the other had frozen on spot and fixed his gaze elsewhere. He took a few deep breaths and few times tried to say something, but stopped himself just in time. Tony let him think in peace, work his answer.

“I... I have a weak heart... most likely the infection hit me harder than it seemed, I went from fine to worse while in Altaria... I... It's been more or less under control, as long as I don't overdo it. Please... don't' talk about it to anybody. It's bad enough Lauri and Emppu know. Matias and Jani knew too... Dunno about Jens, he doesn't tell most of the things he knows...”

“So... that explains... why we couldn't see you for days after we came back...” it dawned on Tony. Timo had been too weak to get out of his bed.

“Yeah... I thought I was going to die, but... I knew Jani would have kicked my ass for letting you die... since you are the obviously important piece of the puzzle the shamans are,” Timo finally looked up at Tony and he could see the tiredness in his eyes. Like he had lived far past the normal span of years.

“I'm sorry. Had I known-”

“I'm alive, you're alive... Does it really matter at this point? I hope... I was enough support.”

“I felt... I never felt like I was walking on uneven ground. You... You made me more confident, I felt like... There was someone with solid faith in me,” Tony said after a moment, remembering how he felt when he had stood up against Juha and his Limbo-powered shamanism. He hadn't felt scared. Just... calm.

“Jani had faith in you. That's why... I knew I could put my faith in you... That you'd... solve this whole thing. That... That you could just... Be what he never had the chance to do...” The way Timo's voice broke, broke something in Tony's heart and he was quickly trying to gather his feelings, not let the guilt seep through. Timo was the only one who knew, that Jani might have survived, had their medic just... trusted his instincts and his limited training.

“I... I'm still sorry... I never meant to make you feel worse... Have you... recovered? Physically, I mean.”

“...no... not fully. Never will... There's pain every day... I just... I hate to ask this... but... Losing Jani was bad enough, but... if you find the Seita... break it... cut our anchor bond when it's convenient. I'll support you until then, but... you have to let me go before something goes terribly wrong and I drag you to your death and North is ruined... You are needed, while I... I have nothing.”

The words the older man spoke struck Tony like shrapnels of ice he had felt when Kätkävaara blew up. He remembered Rolf's words of how he had no right to drag Elias down if he was to die. He had no right to keep Timo bound to him either, when the man didn't want it in the first place, but was still, in his own way, a willing anchor in the times of need.

The kiss back then, it hadn't awoken anything else. Then it struck him. Noora had explained how the bond between him and Pyry had developed on a cold stormy night while huddling to keep each other warm, talking to each other about how they liked each other and what they would do if they survived. They had wanted to be close to each other forever.

Rolf had just mumbled something about the curiosity of a teen and from what Tony had briefly glimpsed from the mind dive, he had sensed strong feelings between the two, love and care, radiating almost visibly.

Jyrki had blatantly told his anchor was his old lover, who was still in the south, making sure North would get Red Cross help, which explained Antti's appearances with just the right equipment for survival in the hostile wilds. They had a bond almost spending 30 years and while they kept in contact very little, they were able to keep in touch and their connection fresh.

Jealousy. That was the feeling he finally had a name for. He was envious of how Jani managed to connect to Mikko within few days, how Rolf had survived through simple hope that Elias would find him, what kept Jyrki getting up every morning and what fueled Noora's unending energy. He had had that, but not as deep as the anchor bond. Outi. She had been his reason to go on in the first place.

“Oh lord...” he buried his face in his hands.

“...Tony?” he heard Timo's concerned voice from distance that shouldn't have been there. “Are you alright?”

“I just... I...”

“...you had a wife, didn't you?”

“Yeah... It hurt so much...”

“...worse than losing your family, like I lost my parents and brothers... was losing Jani... losing a spouse or a lover isn't that painful, when you feel the agony from bond breaking, it's not just in your mind, it's physical pain... please... look for a new anchor... look for... someone to love... love makes the anchor bond stronger, not weaker.”

“I lost the only person I ever loved...”

“...love is not a one-time thing... To some it seems so, but...”

Tony looked up at Timo, who was still staring the fire, looking rather sad.

“Some loves come and go... bloom and die out... Some stay... You can still love the person you were anchored to, but you can't reanchor... That will be gone for good... That makes the love feel only... half of it... Tony...”

“I know I'm not... into men, like some here. Never occurred to me and I'm rather... fine with friends who like a to hug more than an average Finn,” he snorted, making Timo give him half a smile. “But... There's something that has been bugging me lately and... This sounds so weird... but... It was sometime after... After Mikko passed away. My kota was dark and I thought I dreamed that... that I slept with a woman... Don't laugh, but... she said that... pretend that she's my wife and... I woke up in the morning so thoroughly confused I seriously couldn't focus on anything.” Tony just blurted it out and looked away, not seeing how Timo reacted. “It just felt... rather real...”

When he did look up, instead of a mocking look, he saw Timo's brow furrowed and the kuksa filled with water frozen halfway to his mouth.

“I don't sound crazy to you?”

“...no... And you are sure it wasn't a dream? At least entirely?”

“Yeah. I... Yeah. It wasn't. Whoever she was, didn't clean up after herself properly...” Tony shrugged. Oh, it definitely wasn't a dream. Why he was opening up about this to Timo, he wasn't quite sure. The older man had proved himself rather perceptive or good hiding his surprise, if only judging from when he was not the least bit surprised when amidst the Rolf-Pyry-Emppu squabble, Jens had dropped a bomb that he did know what day, month and year it was, making Rolf comment that if that was the case, he had just turned 29. He gave a half-hearted grin at the memory of the stunned faces. The young shaman didn't look a day over 20.

“What is it?” Timo asked, seeing his face.

“Huh? Nah, just... remembered when Rolf said he was 29... If there had been a way to take a picture of the faces all around...”

“He's older than he looks... but... I don't think you need to worry about the... incident... I wouldn't go asking around, it would sound really odd.”

“You're right about that. Hey, did you sneak into my kota and have sex with me a few years back?”

Timo laughed at Tony's face, making the younger smile to see the older man look genuinely amused.

“Didn't you house with Marko back then?”

“Make sleeps through practically anything. He once kept snoring despite his girlfriend kicking him out of the bed. For Sámi-descendant, Lotta was ruthless at times. He was confused to wake up on the floor.”

“Jani slept well only if he was more or less wrapped around me, that does develop a bladder of steel, he never was a morning person... Matias was more irritating to sleep in the same bed with. He slept all sprawled, snoring loudly and if he decided he wanted to cuddle, he pretty much draped himself on top of you and -that- was a bear trap.”

Tony looked at Timo's face when he talked about the two he had lost, but saw no pain, just mirth at obviously dear memories.

“Timo. Be my anchor for a while longer. I'll... I'll work on getting a new anchor. Maybe there's a nice dark Sámi woman out there somewhere...”

“Well, with your last name, they'll line up. Though there are few dark-haired beauties I know, still of childbearing age and all...” Timo winked at him.

Tony tried to hide the stab of pain from the mention of children. Timo must have felt it when his forearm was grabbed suddenly.

“I'm sorry...”

“It's... it's alright. We... we weren't meant to have children, apparently... We... We lost count how many we lost...”

“I'm sorry... I should've known better.”

“Well, at least now... she's somewhere with them, hopefully waiting for me.”

“I'm sure she is... Mind if I sleep here tonight? Lauri has... company.”

Tony glanced back at the beddings. “Of course. Hold on...”

“Yeah... I think he needs some... spiritual guidance. He and Matias had been a couple of years, he needs a company of someone who understands...”

Tony was about to comment, but then, he had seen how Rolf had gone to a mere shadow of himself and had barely pulled through pneumonia... “I think they both need it.”

“Yes. They do. Trust me. In Strato, there was no such thing as privacy, you heard when someone was having sex, so excuse me while I shamelessly exploit the chance to sleep without hearing it every chance I get.”

 


	20. Help me, save me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand this is probs the last thing to explain stuff that happens in We Built This World Together.

Lauri was cleaning up the clothes tossed here and there when Rolf slipped in almost silently.

“Fuck, you freaked me out. You move like a ghost!” he had to try to swallow his heart down from his throat. Rolf just chuckled as he closed the door, starting to take off his parka and snow boots.

“Sorry... I rarely can move quietly.”

“Well, you sure did now... Sorry, been rather... reluctant yo clean around here... And haven't wanted to bother Timo...”

“You do not have to if you feel it's too early...” Rolf said softly and shuffled closer, taking the topmost shirt from the pile Lauri held and folding it neatly. He looked down at the small blond.

“I... Timo nagged me over an hour to get me to come to the sauna at least...” Lauri slumped to sit on the bed, still holding the clothes. Rolf didn't say anything at first, just setting the folded shirt aside and taking the next article to fold.

“Small steps... that's how you get forward...”

“I know Timo hurts daily, he's still not over the loss of Jani... I... I want nothing more but Matias by my side...” his voice was pained and he fought his tears. He looked up when Rolf cleared the stack of laundry from his arms and despite his limitations, managed to sit down right on the rug in front of the bed.

“He found something to keep holding on for... and had friends who supported him. He often says how much he appreciates that you were there for him...”

“And he sort of... adopted you,” Lauri reminded and made Rolf chuckle a bit.

“You know... We are still here... At least Timo and me... you can always talk to us...”

“It's not just that, that I miss...” Lauri looked down at his hands and was surprised when Rolf grabbed his.

“I know...” the younger man whispered.

“Come on, sit on the bed, I hurt from looking at you sitting on the floor...” Lauri tugged at Rolf's hands. He hoped he hadn't said it too harshly, but Rolf simply took his hands from his, shuffled along the floor and using mostly his upper body, heaved himself up over the bed's side frame and once his legs were straightened out, used them to help himself to sit next to Lauri.

“You're gonna regret those moves tomorrow.”

“I regret leaving the sauna in the morning. I'm getting used to the pain, but... there are days when everything just... overwhelms me. Especially now, that... I don't have Elias as my anchor anymore.”

“Why?”

“I thought I was gonna die... and if I died, he would too... He has a family I have no right to steal him from... Even though... Reetta was fine with it... It wasn't right... It hurts, to see him and I know he wants to do nothing else but hold me...”

“I don't know which sounds worse... Wanting to hold and kiss somebody and they are unreachable, or that you want to hold and kiss and they are just there, just outside your reach...”

“Both... Say... do I really look like a kid?” Rolf asked slowly.

“You mean went down at the sauna?” Lauri turned to look at Rolf, seeing grey-blue eyes looking at him.

“Yeah...”

“Well... Elias did mention you hadn't changed much... You look really young, but I suck at estimating ages. I mean, Jani was, in the end, good 5 years older what I thought. So, if the nutcase is correct, you just had your birthday?”

“Yeah... 23rd of October...”

“Congrats, then. If you're 29... huh, I'm ten years older than you. Now that I really think of it,” Lauri looked surprised after brief calculations. Rolf just smiled at him.

“You don't look your age either.”

“It's the cold air, does good for the skin,” he said, pretending to be proud of it, but dissolved into laughter when Rolf started to giggle.

“Or the radiation.”

“Oh, damn, you're onto my secret!”

They spent good ten minutes laughing and keeping up their joke, until Rolf doubled over, holding his sides.

“My face and sides hurt from all the laughing...” he wheezed, trying to calm down, but he couldn't help it. Lauri's hand slid from his neck to ruffle his hair, before he moved it along his back, feeling every bump of his spine.

Once he had dried his face and drawn some calming breaths, he straightened his back, looking up to Lauri. Even sitting next to him he felt tiny, though only Antti made him feel like a small child. Lauri thankfully never mocked his stunted growth.

“Thanks... I haven't laughed in... weeks... months I guess.” Lauri thanked him, pulling him against his side for a bit. The scent always clinging to the shaman reminded him of something he barely remembered from his own childhood. He saw flashes of it behind his closed lids, but could never figure out what it was. Not until...

“...the birch grove...” he mumbled against the surprisingly soft waves.

“Hmh?”

“Your scent... reminds me of a birch grove from my childhood home... That koivikko was my favorite places to play in” Lauri clarified and looked down to see confused eyes looking up at him.

“Birch?”

“The tree with white bark, some black streaks. We use the tuohi to kindle the flames faster...”

“Oh,” he blushed a bit, he had completely forgotten that. His mother had taught him as much as she could, as had his father, but two concussions later he found the majority of his childhood memories dimming. He remembered what koivu was. Just had trouble connecting it and the thought of losing his memories like that was terrifying him.

“Hey, you ok? You're trembling...” Lauri asked when he felt the tremors course through the slight body pressed up against his side.

“...I'm losing my mind... I'm losing my memories...” Rolf whispered, eyes glazed. The brunette put some distance between them to be able to look at his face, hands on his arms.

“You're not. Keep breathing calmly, ok?

“...help me...” Rolf whispered brokenly and he frowned at his words a bit. He gasped, when he looked at the darkened eyes, seeing the grey-blue turn almost dark blue.

“I don't know how I could help you...”

“Take me to that place... to your favorite place on earth... Please...”

He didn't know what it was that came over him, but he leaned in to kiss the blond, drawing a whimper from his throat and pressed him down on the bed. Rolf barely touched him, yet he felt like he couldn't move away from him, just hold him closer, tight and safe.

Clothes were shed at slow pace, hands, and mouths exploring on exposed skin. Lauri marveled how simple kisses against the vein pulsing in Rolf's neck had the younger gasping and clinging to him tighter, lost in the pleasure. He loved how he could do almost anything and hear and see how he was coming undone...

“...oh god... Lauri... please... please...” The way Rolf was begging, tears running from his eyes, breathing harsh, flushed and very much aroused... The way he cried out and clung to Lauri hard enough to make him bruise as he slowly rocked into him, picking up the pace, thrusting into that body beneath him that needed him, needed to feel this again. Being claimed. Loved.

When their eyes met, blue and brown, two things crashed onto them. Their orgasms and awareness that they were one. He could hear how Rolf's heart skipped a few beats before the thump nearly echoed in his head. His heart hurt less. His mind wasn't as dark. When he was riding down the wave of his pleasure, he saw the stormy eyes calm to two steady pools of molten pewter. The tormented gaze was gone.

“What...” he managed to gasp, but before he could finish his question, Rolf pulled him to a kiss and he felt a wave of relief. And love. And it wasn't from him, but from the whimpering, trembling mess of a shaman underneath him.

“...you're not alone...” Rolf whispered against his lips. “I'm here... I'll... be your... sanity... and you mine...”

He cried against the smaller man that night.

 


	21. Moment of Reckoning: Timo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during the battle between the shamans in Reckoning Night

Timo shuddered. He knew that Tony was in the Spirit World now, along with the others, he could feel a familiar serenity rise up and knew they were in the Altaria settlement. He knew the power of that place. In the distance, he heard someone's baby crying helplessly in their fear, heard dogs barking and beyond their settlement, the eerie but familiar howls of the wolves. They didn't bring him comfort, not this time.

He had to keep his mind even, settle his soul, while it cried along with the wolves. Jani was truly gone. Even his spirit was gone. No. No, he can't go there. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, Timo stared at the fire burning, knowing Lauri was still awake next to him, them supporting each other silently. Matias was gone... but he had had faith in Tony, convincing Timo that the Wolf Range refugeé really knew what he was doing.

There was only one thing he could do. Keep his thoughts on Tony, keep his mind open and trust what he knew of these matters.

He didn't know how long this went on until he suddenly felt a tug at Tony's end, somebody pulled him away from Spirit World and it wasn't his own doing. He could sense the other man's panic and realize, they must have been found. Found by those they were after.

It was no use going against powerful shamans with guns blazing, while he wished they had bullets to spare, putting that piece of metal through the madman's head would have been utterly satisfying, they were only for hunting and self-defense. No shaman could dodge a bullet.

His heart skipped a few beats and he gasped, leaning forward on his bed, gripping the edge, breath catching in his throat. His heart was constricting and starting to beat unevenly, Tony was doing something and unknowingly, drawing too much on the bond that Timo now was trying desperately to close. Lauri hovered near him and woke up Jens, who had been snoring in his bed until now. He could barely see anything but red while he struggled for breath.

The pain leveled and he managed to get few breaths, head dizzy and vision blurring, thundering in his ears and temples. He sent a broken prayer to deities above that Tony would succeed. He didn't want to die... not like this...

Lauri and Jens were talking to him, but he could barely hear them, their voices sounded muffled.

Please. Stop. Don't. End it. Tony. No. Stop. Can't.

Inside his head, he heard a loud snap and he was sure he was going to die. He saw nothing but black and he slumped against his pillow, hoping death would finally take him.

 


	22. Moment of Reckoning: Elias

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place at the beginning of the battle between shamans, when Rolf gets injured and then breaks the Seita between him and Elias.

Elias was trying not to pace while he held trembling and sobbing Salla, watching Reetta holding Toivo, one of the few children rather calm about this whole horrible ordeal. He was exhausted, she was exhausted, the children were exhausted. Salla told him all about her nightmares and just hearing them, made Elias see them as well. Toivo too saw them, but he just refused to sleep, not crying over them.

“It's alright Salla... It'll be over soon... Everything will be over soon...” he wished the trembling in his voice was only the cold that was slowly seeping through every cabin and kota in the settlement. He bundled her up better and pressed a kiss on her forehead, willing her to sleep.

Toivo was watching him with eyes that seemed older than he should have had. He was about to say something to him when he was struck by the feeling of dread. Toivo mumbled something to his mother and Reetta took the boy to his room, returning to fetch now thankfully asleep Salla.

When the door was closed, Elias looked up at her, when she came to sit on his lap.

“I'm sorry you had to find out about our... anchor bond like that,” he apologized again.

“Elias... I understand it. Jenny explained it to me ages ago. It's a soul or a spirit connection. So... You love me with your heart. And him with your soul. I don't have anything against it. Truth to be told, I suspected it all those years ago. I... I actually saw you a few days ago. It was a shock, but... I... I'm not angry. Or disappointed. It's something you had to do. I'm just... glad it was you and not... well... You know.”

“I understand why they were scared to leave him alone at home. A pretty young boy...”

“I'm glad they didn't do... anything else to him in the captivity either. I was terrified of that...”

“Me too... At first, I... I couldn't believe he was there, he was alive, barely, but alive, and that he... needed me.”

“Elias, what's wrong?” Reetta asked, clearly unnerved by the wolves and dogs that suddenly seemed to pick up their volumes.

“I... I have this feeling of... dread. Like... Like something is gonna happen to him.” Then he remembered the words. If shaman dies, so does the anchor. “I... I love you. And the kids. Don't forget that.”

“Elias? I love you too, but... you're scaring me right now...”

Before he could respond, his chest burned and he brought his hand up to it. He expected to see blood on his hand but he didn't. That meant...

“...Rolf's hurt...”

“Elias?”

Then his vision went white and he thought his head was going to explode from pain. He heard Rolf crying and could briefly see him bleeding on the floor, clutching his chest, coughing up blood. He felt Reetta clamber off his lap and hold his face in her hands, but if she was saying anything, he didn't hear it.

When his vision cleared, he realized Reetta was sitting on his chest, holding his arms in place and her hands on his mouth.

“Shh, please, don't, you'll scare the kids...”

“...Rolf... he cut the anchor bond... he's... he's dying...” he whispered when she took her hands off and climbed off of him. He found himself wrapped in her embrace, them both crying.

 


End file.
